What to Do When You Realize You Don’t Know How to Grieve

Jenny was 41 years old when her mom died, and she

figured she knew what grief was supposed to look like. She'd

seen it in the movies. People cry and fall apart for a while,

and then they slowly come back to life. But when it was her

turn, nothing came. She stood at the funeral dry-eyed, wondering

what was wrong with her. Back home, she kept busy. She

answered the cards and cleaned the house. She went back to work

on Monday, like she'd been told good people do. The truth was,

Jenny grew up in a home where nobody cried. When something sad

happened, you were told to be strong and keep moving. So now,

with the biggest loss of her life pressing down on her, she

didn't know how to grieve. Nobody had ever shown her. We'll

come back to what Jenny did about that, but first,

to Daily Devotions for Busy Lives. I'm Bart Leger. I'm not

an emotional person. Grief doesn't show up in me as tears,

at least not right away. And for a long time, I counted that as a

strength. Stoicism is pretty useful in the moment when you're

the one standing at the front of a funeral or spending a career

breaking the news to next of kin that their loved one has died.

What I've settled is that when the loss is big enough, I let

myself cry instead of not allowing myself to feel it. That

took me longer than it should have. Nobody has to teach you

how to hold it together. You pick that up on your own. If

you've lost somebody, you may have found out the same thing

Jenny You get to the first loss that matters and discover you

don't have a method for handling it. You know what you're feeling,

holding it and have no idea what to do with it. Plenty of grown

adults are in that spot. Nobody sat down and taught In the house

they grew up in, grief got moved past in a hurry or someone

handed them the line about being strong and that big boys and big

girls don't cry. Here's the thing about a rule you learn

that way. You don't remember learning it. You watch the

adults around you handle a death by getting back to work and you

finaled it away as just how it's done.

that line comes from the opening of the Sermon on the Mount where

Jesus lists the people he calls blessed. mourners made that list.

He isn't telling them to pull it all together and he isn't

standing there waiting for them to finish. Look at the word

behind "mourn". The Greek word he used is the strongest grief

word available to him. It's the word for mourning for the dead,

for wailing at a graveside. It's like we have not said it in

Matthew 5-4. God blesses those who mourn for they will be

comforted.

Look at the word behind "mourn". The Greek word he used is the

strongest grief word available to him. It's the word for

mourning for the dead, for wailing at a graveside. He could

have picked up something maybe less strong or a little milder,

but he didn't. Then notice what's missing: Jesus never

describes how to do it. He didn't give a menu, no timetable,

nothing about whether tears are required. The blessing lands on

the condition itself. You qualify by mourning, and that's

the whole requirement. Look at the back half of that verse too.

"They will be comforted." passive. And in a sentence like

this one, it means God is the one doing the comforting. So the

comfort isn't earned by grieving correctly, it's promised to the

person who grieves at all.

was already covered by this verse. So is whatever version of

it you've got. That leaves you with two things to do. But hear

this, there's no right or wrong way to grieve. You could start

by saying their name out loud. Use it in front of other people

and keep telling stories about them past the point where it

feels awkward. "Grief that never gets spoken has nowhere to go."

Then tell God what you got. In the condition it's in. Whatever

it is. If what you have is numbness, bring him that.

Because he isn't grading how you submit yourself and how you're

grieving. It took Jenny months to figure out that there was

nothing wrong with her. She broken. She'd just never been

taught. One night the tears finally came and they scared her

because she didn't know you were allowed to fall apart. But she

let them come. She started talking about her mom out loud

and telling the old stories, telling the memories, the good

memories. And little by little, she brought the whole messy

thing to God who didn't ask her to be strong. Jesus said the

ones who mourn or blessed. And they're the ones who get

comforted. Jenny learned there isn't a right way to do this.

There's just letting yourself feel it and letting God meet you

there. Two things there stand out to me. Months went by before

Jenny understood there was nothing wrong with her. And when

the tears finally did come, they scared her because she'd never

watched anybody do this. That's what growing up without the cost

a person. The shows up right on time and you meet it with no

idea what's permitted. Here's today's challenge. Say the name

of the person you lost out loud today to somebody. Then tell

them one story about them. Then take whatever you've got to God

today or tonight and tell them how you're feeling. If the truth

is that you feel nothing, then just tell God ever telling them

how to grieve, which means you can come to him with whatever

version you have. And if the tears start coming while you're

doing it, just let them. You're not doing it wrong. Father, you

called mourners blessed and you promised to be the one who

comforts them. Thank you that you never handed out the

instructions for doing it correctly because everybody

agrees differently. everybody listening who grew up without

ever seeing grief handled, teach them how. Meet them in God

blesses everything you've got today, and comfort them in

whatever you've got today, amen. If you need prayer today, I'd

love to hear from you. You can leave me a voicemail at

dailydevotionsforbusylives.com/voicemail . I listen to every single one

and it would be an honor to bring your name before the Lord.

Thanks for joining me on Daily Devotions for Busy Lives.

Remember, Jesus blessed the ones who mourn and never told them

how to do it. Bring him the version you've got, whatever it

is. Come back next time for more encouragement to help you live

grounded in God's truth. Until then, God bless and have a great

day.