What to Do When You're Afraid to Be Joyful Again After Loss
Key Takeaways
- Experiencing guilt after laughing or smiling following a loss is a common emotional response rooted deeply in love, as many mistakenly view grief as the final tether to the person they lost.
- Pastor and author Dr. Bart Leger shares the powerful story of Sherri Lynn Miller, whose husband Sean tragically died in a car accident, illustrating how she eventually realized over five years later that she was still allowed to be happy.
- Isaiah 61:3 describes God taking the ashes of mourning and handing back a crown of beauty, revealing that returning gladness after loss is a divine gift rather than something to feel guilty about.
- A human heart has the incredible capacity to hold both the ache of what it has lost and the gladness of being alive at the very same time without one having to finish for the other to begin.
- Listeners are encouraged to identify unwritten rules they have created against happiness, ask God to validate the returning gladness, and intentionally reintroduce an enjoyable activity while letting the ache remain.
You catch yourself laughing after a loss, and guilt shows up right behind it. Learn what the ashes of Isaiah 61 were, and who does the exchange that puts gladness back into a grieving heart.
There's something that happens to people who have lost someone. You catch yourself laughing, and a flash of guilt comes with it. Being happy starts to feel like a betrayal of the person you lost, as though joy would mean you've moved on before you were ready.
This episode opens with Sherri Lynn Miller, a young wife with a toddler and a baby on the way when the call came. Her husband Sean, a school band director, had been killed in a car accident less than a mile from the school where he taught. In the years that followed, every time she laughed or smiled for a photo, guilt came with it. She had decided she was not allowed to be happy again, and she didn't realize she had made the rule.
Here's what makes that guilt so convincing. It comes from love. Somewhere along the way you decided the grief was the last thing tying you to that person. So if the grief loosens its grip, you lose them a second time. Nobody says it out loud. You just start living like it's a rule.
Isaiah 61:3 speaks to people who knew mourning by heart: "To all who mourn in Israel, he will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning... they will be like great oaks that the LORD has planted for his own glory." Start with the ashes, because the ashes were something the mourner put on himself. You put ashes on your head, and anybody who saw you knew what had happened. God takes those ashes and hands back a crown. In the Hebrew, the two words sound almost alike, pe'er and epher, nearly the same word turned around.
Notice who does the handing. He will give. God does the exchange inside the person who is mourning. If gladness after loss is something God hands a grieving person, then the guilt that hit you the last time you laughed was accusing you of something God did.
Isaiah finishes with great oaks the LORD has planted. An oak is slow, and a man plants one knowing he won't see it finished. The oak and the ashes share the same ground. Jesus read this passage in the synagogue at Nazareth and said it was being fulfilled that day.
Bart shares his own version of this, a funeral meal where the family went to laughing about the man they had just buried, and the moment he caught himself glancing around to see whether that was allowed. More than five years after Sean's death, Sherri wrote the words that set a lot of grieving people free: I'm still allowed to be happy.
BY THE TIME YOU FINISH LISTENING, YOU'LL DISCOVER:
What the ashes of Isaiah 61 were, and who God says does the exchange Why guilt over laughing comes from love, and the rule it writes without your permission One question to ask God about the gladness working its way back into you
A heart can hold the ache of what it lost and the gladness of being alive at the same time. You have permission to laugh again.
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Frequently Asked Questions
Why do I feel guilty when I laugh after losing a loved one?
Guilt after laughing usually comes from a place of love and an unwritten rule that grief is the only thing tying you to the person you lost, making happiness feel like a betrayal.
What does Isaiah 61 say about mourning and joy?
Isaiah 61:3 promises that God gives a crown of beauty for ashes and a joyous blessing instead of mourning, signifying that He personally performs the exchange to restore gladness to a grieving heart.
Who is Sherri Lynn Miller in Daily Devotions for Busy Lives?
Sherri Lynn Miller is a young widow whose husband Sean, a school band director, was killed in a car accident; her journey of overcoming guilt helped set many grieving people free with the realization that they are still allowed to be happy.
How can I start to overcome the fear of being joyful again after loss?
You can start by recognizing the unwritten rule that happiness is a crime, acknowledging that God authors the gladness working its way back into you, and intentionally doing one small activity you used to enjoy.
Sherry Miller was a young wife with a toddler and a baby
Speak:on the way when the call came. Her husband, Sean, a school band
Speak:director, had been killed in a car accident less than a mile
Speak:from the school where he taught. In the years that followed,
Speak:Sherry did the work of going through the grief. But something
Speak:caught her off guard. Every time she felt happy, every time she
Speak:laughed or smiled for a photo, a wave of guilt came with it. It
Speak:felt like being happy was a way of forgetting Sean, like joy was
Speak:a betrayal of the man she lost. The truth was, she had decided
Speak:that she wasn't allowed to be happy again, and she didn't even
Speak:realize she had made the rule. We'll come back to what Sherry
Speak:did with that rule, but
Speak:first, welcome to Daily Devotions for Busy Lives. I'm
Speak:Bart Leger. I've done a lot of funerals over the years. I
Speak:remember one where the family went back to the house afterward
Speak:and put on more food than anybody could eat. Someone
Speak:started telling a story about the man we had just buried, and
Speak:the whole table started laughing. And I caught myself glancing
Speak:around to see who all was laughing. Those folks had
Speak:already settled something. They were grieving him, and they had
Speak:made the rest of their lives refusing to enjoy the time they
Speak:had left. If you've lost somebody, you probably know that
Speak:moment. Something on television is funny, or a friend says
Speak:something. You'll laugh before you think about it. Then it hits
Speak:you. A flash of guilt, as if being happy is a way of
Speak:forgetting the person you lost. It shows up in other places also.
Speak:The good day you had. The morning you woke up and thought
Speak:about something else first. Here's what makes that guilt so
Speak:convincing. It comes from a place of love. Somewhere along
Speak:the way, you decided the grief was the last thing tying you to
Speak:that person. So if the grief loosens its grip, you lose them
Speak:a second time, and you're not willing to let that happen.
Speak:Nobody says it has to be that way. You just start living like
Speak:it's a rule. Isaiah was writing to people who knew all about
Speak:mourning.
Speak:The ashes were something the mourner put on himself. In that
Speak:part of the world, grief had an outward look. You tore your
Speak:clothes, and you put ashes on your head. Anybody who saw you
Speak:knew what happened, and they knew you were grieving. So look
Speak:at what God does with them. He takes the ashes and hands back a
Speak:crown. In the Hebrew, those two words sound almost alike. Peer
Speak:and efer, nearly the same word turned around. A garland where
Speak:the ashes were, built out of the same letters. Notice who's doing
Speak:the handing. He will give. The whole verse runs that direction.
Speak:God does the exchange, and He does it inside the person who's
Speak:mourning. That changes what a laugh means. If gladness after
Speak:loss is something God hands a grieving person, then the guilt
Speak:that hit you the last time you laughed was accusing you of
Speak:something God did. You didn't manufacture it. It came from Him.
Speak:And I believe He gave it to you on purpose. Then look at how
Speak:Isaiah finishes. Jesus said, "The Lord has planted. The oak
Speak:is slow growing. A man plants one knowing he won't see it
Speak:fully grown. God is growing something in the person left
Speak:behind. And that takes years. The ache doesn't vanish on the
Speak:way. The oak and the ashes share the same ground." Jesus stood up
Speak:in the synagogue at Nazareth and read this passage out loud. He
Speak:stopped partway through and told the room it was being fulfilled
Speak:that day. Healing the brokenhearted is part of what he
Speak:came to do by his own account. So the gladness working its way
Speak:back into you has his hands on it. It took Sherry years to
Speak:question that rule she had made in her own life. Slowly, she
Speak:came to see that her happiness was not an insult to Sean's
Speak:memory. And that laughing again didn't mean she loved him or was
Speak:leaving him behind. More than five years after his death, she
Speak:wrote the words that set a lot of grieving people free. She
Speak:said, "I'm still allowed to be happy." The grief didn't
Speak:disappear. She just stopped treating joy like a crime. She
Speak:learned that a heart can hold the ache of what it's lost and
Speak:the gladness of being alive at the very same time. A heart can
Speak:hold both. That's the part most grieving people don't believe
Speak:they're allowed. They think one has to finish before they're
Speak:permitted the other. So they wait. And the waiting turns into
Speak:years. written for herself without knowing it was there.
Speak:There's today's challenge. Think back to the last time you
Speak:laughed and felt guilty about it. Think about what you believed in
Speak:that moment. It might be something like, "If I'm happy,
Speak:I'm forgetting him or I'm forgetting her." Then remember
Isaiah 61 00:05:13
3. "Is this gladness something you're giving me,
Isaiah 61 00:05:17
God?" He already answered it in that verse and He will settle it
Isaiah 61 00:05:20
in you. And then do one thing this week you used to enjoy with
Isaiah 61 00:05:23
that person. Make the recipe. Put the game on. Let yourself
Isaiah 61 00:05:27
have it and let the ache be there too. Father, you promised
Isaiah 61 00:05:30
to crown where the ashes were and you promised to do the
Isaiah 61 00:05:33
exchange yourself. Thank you that the gladness coming back to
Isaiah 61 00:05:36
a grieving person is your work in them. For everybody listening
Isaiah 61 00:05:40
who's been refusing to be happy because it felt like a betrayal,
Isaiah 61 00:05:44
lift that off them. Let them laugh without glancing around
Isaiah 61 00:05:47
the room. Grow them into the oak you planted them to be and do it
Isaiah 61 00:05:52
at your own pace. In Jesus' name, amen. If Daily Devotions for
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Busy Lives has been an encouragement to you, would you
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take a minute and leave a rating and review? It helps more people
Isaiah 61 00:06:03
find these devotions and it only takes a moment. I'd be so
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grateful. Thanks for joining me on Daily Devotions for Busy
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Lives. Remember, the crown of beauty is something God hands
Isaiah 61 00:06:13
you and He hands it to the people with ashes still on them.
Isaiah 61 00:06:16
You have permission to laugh again. Come back next time for
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more encouragement to help you live grounded in God's truth.
Isaiah 61 00:06:24
Until then, God bless and have a great day.
