Learning to Forgive Someone Who Isn't Sorry

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I've mentioned the Stanford researchers before, but

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this time they wanted to know what actually happens inside the

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body of someone who refuses to forgive. So they studied it. And

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what they found was not what most people expected. They

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assumed they would find people who were strong, people who were

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holding firm in their decision, and people who were protecting

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themselves by keeping their guard up. What they actually

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found looked a lot more like slow self-destruction. Every

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time a person revisited an old wound, their body responded as

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if the injury was happening all over again. Stress hormones

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flooded the bloodstream, heart rate climbed, and blood pressure

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spiked. The immune system took a hit. And in people who had been

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rehearsing their grievance for years, the damage had been

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quietly accumulating the entire time. The researcher leading the

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project, Dr. Fred Luskin, described what he found in terms

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that are hard to shake. He said, "Holding onto a grudge is not

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neutral." He called it an ineffective strategy for dealing

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with a life situation you haven't been able to master. And

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he says it does real, measurable, physical and mental damage. Then

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someone in his study asked the question most of us would ask,

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"What if the person who hurt me never apologizes?" We'll come

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back to what he said in a moment. But first...

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Welcome to Daily Devotions for Busy Lives. I'm Bart Leger. Most

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teaching on forgiveness assumes that eventually the other person

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will come around. They realize what they did, they show up at

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your door, and they say the words you've been waiting to

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hear. And that's when the healing begins. But what happens

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when they never come? may never even know the damage they caused?

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What if they've already passed away and the apology you needed

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died with them? Forgiveness without an apology feels unjust.

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It feels like letting someone off the hook they deserve to

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stay And so a lot of people don't do it. They hold on, and

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they wait, and they rehearse the wrong, and they protect

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themselves by keeping the wound fresh. Here's what Jesus says

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about that in Matthew 18: 21 and 22: Then Peter came to him and

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asked, "Lord, how often should I forgive someone who sins against

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me? Seven times?" "No, not seven times," Jesus replied, "but

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seventy times seven." Peter thought he was being generous.

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Seven times was already well beyond what Jewish tradition

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required. And Jesus multiplied it so far past any reasonable

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counting that the point is clear. Forgiveness is not a limited

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resource you dispense carefully to people who have earned it.

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It's an attitude and it's a decision we make. A continual

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release of debts that others owe you. But here's where most of us

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balk. Jesus doesn't say the person has to ask for it. He

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doesn't say forgiveness is contingent on remorse or even

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acknowledging that they hurt you. He says forgive. The other

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person's response isn't part of the equation. This is where many

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people get stuck. We confuse forgiveness with reconciliation

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and they're not the same thing. Reconciliation requires two

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people. It requires the other person to acknowledge the harm

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and then demonstrate that their behavior has changed and work to

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rebuild what's broken. That's what we call a bilateral process.

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It works both ways and it can't happen on its own. Forgiveness,

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on the other hand, is unilateral. It's something you do inside

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yourself and before God, regardless of whether the other

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person ever participates. It doesn't mean that what happened

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was acceptable and it doesn't mean the relationships

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automatically restored. And it doesn't mean you expose yourself

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to the same harm again, but it does mean you release the debt.

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You stop requiring payment for someone who may never pay. And

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you stop letting their failure to apologize determine the

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quality of your own inner life. Here's the hard question. Who is

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actually being held captive when you refuse to forgive? Would you

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think about it? Not the person who hurt you. They're going

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about their life and the reality is they probably haven't lost

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any sleep over it. Probably never even thought about it

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again. And do you want me to let you in on a little secret? They

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may not even realize they hurt you. The person being held

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captive is you. And bitterness is a prison, and the person who

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hurt you is not locked inside with you. You are the only one

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there. Hebrews 12: 15 warns about a root of bitterness that

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grows up and causes trouble, defiling many. Bitterness isn't

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static. It doesn't stay contained to one relationship or

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one wound. It a cancer. And it colors the way you see other

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people. It makes trust harder. And it steals your joy. The

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longer it grows, the more it costs you in places that have

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nothing to do with the original offense. Now let's get back to

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the research. So what did the researcher say when people asked

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him, "What if the person who hurt me never apologizes?" Dr.

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Fred Luskin, founder of the Stanford Forgiveness Project,

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spent over 30 years studying exactly that question. And his

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answer was consistent. Forgiveness has nothing to do

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with the other person. It does not require their participation.

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And it doesn't require their awareness even. The apology

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you've been waiting for is not the key that unlocks the door.

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And I think he was here. You already hold that key. His

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research found that people who practiced forgiveness,

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regardless of whether their offender ever acknowledged the

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harm, saw measurable drops in blood pressure, improved sleep,

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reduced depression, and lower levels of the stress hormones

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that bitterness keeps pumping into the body year after year.

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And he put it plainly, holding onto a grudge is an ineffective

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strategy for dealing with a life situation you haven't been able

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to master. It does mental and physical damage. Jesus said it

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in Matthew 18 long before the science caught up. Forgiveness

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is not optional. Not because the other person earned it, but

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because you were never designed to carry that weight

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indefinitely. So let me ask you directly. Who are you waiting on?

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Whose apology are you holding your own peace hostage to?

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Because they may never say the words. And the longer you wait,

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the longer you stay in a prison that they may not even know they

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built.

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Here's today's challenge: Bring one specific name before God

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today. The person you've been waiting on. The one whose

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remorse you have been requiring before you let yourself heal.

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Tell God honestly what they did and how much it cost you. Then,

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ask Him specifically and sincerely for the grace to

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release it. Not because they deserve it. Not because it was

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okay. But because you were not designed to carry this. God is

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offering you a way out of the cell. You don't have to feel it

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fully yet. Forgiveness often begins on a decision long before

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it becomes a feeling. Start with a decision. Lord, some of us are

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carrying the wounds that were never apologized for or even

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acknowledged. It's been weighing on us for a long time. Give us

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the grace to release what we can't make right on our own. And

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help us understand that forgiveness isn't letting

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someone off the hook. What we're doing is we're freeing ourselves.

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And you are the one who sees every wrong ever done to us. And

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promises to make all things right in the end. Help us trust

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you with that. In Jesus' name. Amen. If this episode resonated

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with someone you've been carrying, would you share it

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with someone who might need to hear it today? Just go to:

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dailydevotionsforbusylives.com/213 and copy the link. It only

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takes a second. And it might make a real difference for

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someone in your life. Thanks for joining me on Daily Devotions

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for Busy Lives. Remember, the apology you're waiting for is

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not the key that unlocks the door. You already hold that key.

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Come back next time for more encouragement to help you live

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grounded in God's truth. Until then, God bless and have a great

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day!