How to Build Lasting Friendships as an Adult
Discover how to build lasting friendships as an adult. This episode reveals that adult friendships require intentional time investment, unlike those formed in youth. Learn the research-backed hours needed and the importance of initiating contact to forge meaningful connections.
Key Takeaways
- Adult friendships require deliberate effort and time investment, unlike the 'built-in' friendships of youth.
- Research suggests it takes around 200 hours of shared time to build a close adult friendship.
- Initiating contact and consistently making time are crucial, even if it feels awkward at first.
- Scripture, like Proverbs 27:17 ('iron sharpens iron'), highlights that deep friendships develop through repeated, close contact.
- The friends you need might already be in your life; the key is to invest the time to deepen those connections.
How to Build Lasting Friendships as an Adult
The friendships that seemed to build themselves in school rarely replace themselves, leaving many adults without the kind of friend who would drop everything. In this episode, we explore what research and Scripture reveal about how to build adult friendships and uncover the often-skipped first step.
The Effortless Beginnings of Friendship
As young adults, friends often materialized without much effort. Living in the same dorm or working the same shift meant hours accumulated naturally. However, as careers, families, and moves intervene, these built-in connections can fade. The realization that you no longer have a go-to friend for emergencies can be a significant, yet often unspoken, loss.
The Science of Building Adult Friendships
The reality of adult life means that opportunities for effortless connection are scarce. To build adult friendships, intentionality is key. Research from the University of Kansas, conducted by Jeffrey Hall, sheds light on the time investment required. His study indicated that approximately 50 hours are needed to move from stranger to casual acquaintance, 90 hours to reach a friendship, and over 200 hours for a close, lasting bond. The most impactful hours are those spent in unhurried, shared experiences without a specific agenda.
Scriptural Wisdom on Friendship
Proverbs 27:17 offers a powerful analogy: "As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another." This speaks to the nature of deep friendships, which are forged through repeated, close contact. Just as sharpening a blade requires consistent friction, building genuine connections involves sustained interaction over time. This process is slow and steady, yielding the kind of friends who truly know and support us.
Overcoming the Awkwardness to Build Friendships
The most significant hurdle for many in learning how to build adult friendships is the initial step. It requires courage to reach out, to "go first." Hall's advice is to intentionally make time and invite people to share a meal or coffee, signaling your desire for connection. While it may feel awkward, consistently showing up is what transforms an acquaintance into a friend. This episode's host, an introvert, shares his own experiences of intentionally working to maintain close friendships, recognizing that it doesn't always come naturally but is a vital practice.
Nurturing Friendships That Are Already Near
Often, the friends we need are already within our reach. The key to developing these relationships and learning how to build adult friendships lies in investing the necessary time. Start small – a coffee date, a shared lunch. It’s about showing up consistently until those hours of connection accumulate, transforming existing acquaintances into the close friends you desire.
By the time you finish listening, you'll discover:
- Why the friendships that came easy before adulthood rarely replace themselves.
- What Jeffrey Hall's research reveals about the hours it takes to build a close friend.
- The one awkward move that can turn an acquaintance into a friend.
The friend you need is likely closer than you think. You just have to be the one to initiate, one conversation at a time.
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Frequently Asked Questions
Why don't friendships form as easily in adulthood as they did when younger?
During school or early adulthood, friendships often formed effortlessly due to proximity and shared time. As careers and family life become busier, these 'built-in' opportunities disappear, requiring intentional effort to build new connections.
How much time is actually needed to build a close friendship as an adult?
Research indicates that building a close friendship requires a significant time investment. It takes about 50 hours to become casual acquaintances, 90 hours to reach a friendship, and over 200 hours for a close, lasting bond.
What is the most important step to take to build adult friendships?
The most crucial, and often skipped, step is to initiate contact. This involves intentionally making time, such as inviting someone for coffee or lunch, and consistently showing up to invest the hours needed for closeness.
What does the Bible say about building friendships?
Proverbs 27:17 says, 'As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.' This suggests that true friendships are forged through close, repeated contact where individuals mutually influence and refine each other, mirroring the time investment required.
Can I build friendships with people I already know?
Absolutely. The friends you need might already be in your existing social circles. The key is to recognize that these connections may not yet have the 200+ hours of shared time required for closeness. Start by intentionally investing more time, perhaps through regular coffee meetups.
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Think about the friends you had at 22. Most of them were
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formed without you trying very hard. You lived in the same dorm,
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worked in the same shift, or showed up to the same church
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youth group every week. You spent hours together without
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planning to. The friendship built itself on proximity and
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shared time, and it felt effortless because it was. Then
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life moved on. Careers and kids pull you in one direction,
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geography in another. And somewhere in there, you stopped
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collecting new friends the way you used to. A researcher at the
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University of Kansas, Jeffrey Hall, decided to measure what it
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actually takes to build a close friendship. He surveyed 355
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adults who had recently moved to a new city and were looking to
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make new friends. Then tracked how the hours they spent
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together corresponded to friendship closeness. The
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numbers he came back with might make some of you uncomfortable.
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It took 50 hours to become a casual acquaintance, and 90
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hours to reach what most people would call a friendship. 200
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hours or more were needed before someone qualified as a close
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friend. But the hours that counted most were not spent at
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work. And being together without an agenda, Hall summed it up
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this way. We'll come back to what he says you can do. But
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first...
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Welcome to Daily Devotions for Busy Lives. I'm Bart Hey, if
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you've realized lately that you don't have the friendships you
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used to, stay with me for a few minutes. And let me own
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something before we go further. I'm an introvert. And left to my
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own devices, I'd rather be alone. Or at least alone with my wife.
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I've got to make sure I clear that up. Solitude is where I
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recharge. So the work of building friendships doesn't
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come naturally to me. And I won't pretend that it does. But
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here's what I've had to accept. I need people anyway. God didn't
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wire me, or anyone else for that matter, to do life solo. Even
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though part of me would prefer it. Keeping close friendships is
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something I have to work at on purpose over and over. It never
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stops being a choice I have to make. And here's something a lot
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of us notice somewhere in our 30s or 40s. The friends we made
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before college, or before we entered the workforce, never
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quite got replaced. Back then, friendships came free with the
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territory. You were around the same people all the time. So it
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built itself. Then careers and kids pulled you one way. Move
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pulled you another. And you slowly stopped adding new
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friends. And the ones you used to have slowly drifted away. One
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day, you look up and realize you don't have the kind of friend
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who dropped everything And show up at your door when something
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went wrong. And that's a tremendous loss. And it's far
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more common than anyone would like to admit. There's a
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17: 17 "As iron sharpens iron, so a friend
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sharpens a friend." "A friend sharpens a friend." Picture what
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that takes. Iron sharpening iron means two blades pass together
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over and over until each one gets sharper. Sharpening only
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happens through contact, repeated and close. And that's
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the part that many of us tend to resist. The kind of friend who
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sharpens you, who knows your story and shows up when it
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counts, doesn't appear out of nowhere. That person gets built
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the slow way through hours that unremarkable while they're
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happening. Which brings us back to the awkward part. Somebody
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has got to go first. Somebody has to be the one who says,
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"Let's grab lunch." Most of us stall right there hoping it will
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feel less awkward before we make the first move. And it rarely
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does. You go first what's easy comes a little bit later. Hall's
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practical finding was this: You can't make someone spend time
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with you. You can invite them though. He put it plainly. Make
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it a priority to spend time with potential friends. If you are
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interested in a friendship, switch up the context. If you
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work together, go to lunch. These things signal to people
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that you are interested in being friends with them. The awkward
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work of adult friendship is showing up enough times that the
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right person becomes a close one. Most of us stop short of that
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because we wait for it to feel natural before we invest in it.
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At 5-10 hours a week, with someone new, getting to 200
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hours takes the better part of a year. Proverbs 27: 17 says,
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"Iron sharpens iron, and so one person sharpens another." That
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sharpening requires sustained proximity and repeated contact.
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You can't sharpen iron from across the room. The friend you
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need is probably already in your life. You're just not at the 200
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hours yet. So, go to coffee first. You've got to start
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somewhere. Here's today's challenge. Think of one person
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you'd like to know better. Someone, maybe already in your
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orbit, and invite them to coffee this week. Not a big production,
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maybe just a text. Want to grab coffee Thursday? Yeah, it might
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feel awkward, and they might say no. But do it anyway. You don't
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land at 200 hours with anyone by accident. You get there, one cup
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of coffee at a time. Father, you made us for each other, even the
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introverts among us who'd rather hide. Thank you that you never
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meant for anyone to do life alone. For the one listening who
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feels like the absence of close give them the nerve to make the
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first move, and the patience to let a friendship grow the slow
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way. Sharpen us through the people you put in our path, and
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help us to be that kind of friend to someone else. In
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Jesus' name, amen. If this episode encouraged you today,
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would you share it with someone who might need to hear it? Just
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go to
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DailyDevotionsForBusyLives.com/259 and copy the link. It only
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takes a second, and it might make a real difference in
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someone's day. Thanks for joining me on Daily Devotions
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for Busy Lives. Remember, the friend you need is probably
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already nearby. You just have to be the one to start. Come back
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next time for more encouragement to help you live grounded in
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God's truth. Until then, God bless, and have a great day.
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Thank you.
