How to Have the Conversation You've Been Avoiding
Most of us have at least one conversation we know we need to have and keep putting off. In this episode, discover what research and Matthew 18:15 both say about what avoidance costs, and what it takes to finally go.
Most of us have at least one conversation we know we need to have and keep putting off. In this episode, discover what research and Matthew 18:15 both say about what avoidance costs, and what it takes to finally go.
Researchers at Saint Louis University recruited 1,471 adults across the United States and measured one thing: what happens to people who keep avoiding necessary conversations. The finding was consistent across men and women and across a wide age range. People who consistently avoided conflict showed measurably higher psychological distress than those who addressed it. People who resolved conflict showed significantly lower distress than those who left it unaddressed.
The researchers' conclusion was something most people already suspected: avoidance doesn't make the situation go away. It makes the person carrying it worse.
Most of us have at least one conversation on our list right now that we know we need to have and have been putting off. We tell ourselves we're waiting for the right moment. The right moment rarely shows up on its own.
I'm not someone who runs from a confrontation, but there have been times I've delayed a conversation I knew I needed to have. In every case the situation didn't improve on its own. The thing I was avoiding just sat there and took up space while the relationship drifted further.
Jesus gives one instruction in Matthew 18:15: go to the person, privately, with the goal of winning them back. One word carries the whole verse: go. The goal matters as much as the action. When restoration is the aim, the conversation looks different than it would if the goal were to be right or to be understood.
Most of us approach these conversations, when we finally approach them, hoping to be vindicated. Jesus sets a different target. Going in with the relationship as the goal changes both the tone and the outcome.
Through the Saint Louis University research and Matthew 18:15, this episode makes the case that the discomfort of the necessary conversation is almost always less costly than the damage of avoiding it. The researchers measured it in distress scores. Jesus measured it in relationships worth saving.
God's already told you the answer. He said go.
BY THE TIME YOU FINISH LISTENING, YOU'LL DISCOVER:
- What a study of 1,471 adults reveals about the psychological cost of avoiding necessary conversations, and why avoidance makes things worse
- What the single word Jesus uses in Matthew 18:15 tells us about when and how to approach the conversation you've been putting off
- One concrete step you can take today to stop avoiding the conversation and start preparing to have it
The right moment rarely shows up on its own. You have to make it.
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Think about the person most of the people you know are
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closest It could be a spouse, a parent, a sibling, a friend at
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work, and then think about how many of those relationships have
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at least one conversation nobody's had yet. A team of
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clinical psychology researchers at St. Louis University wanted
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to know what happens to people who keep avoiding those
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conversations. They recruited 1,471 adults across the United
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States ranging in age from 18 to and measured conflict avoidance,
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conflict resolution, and psychological across all of them.
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The finding wasn't complicated. The people who consistently
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avoided necessary conversations showed measurably higher levels
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of psychological distress than those who addressed conflict
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directly. And the people who resolved conflict rather than
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leaving it unaddressed showed significantly lower distress
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than those who didn't. The finding was consistent across
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both men and women. The researchers concluded something
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you probably already suspected. The "Avoidance" doesn't make the
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situation go away. It makes the situation worse. We'll come back
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to what it tells us in a moment. But first,
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welcome to, "Daily Devotions for Busy Lives." I'm Bart Leger. I'm
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not someone who runs from a confrontation, but there have
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been times I've put off a conversation I knew I needed to
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have. And in every case, the situation didn't get better on
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its own. Most people have at least one conversation like that
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on their list right now. You know what it's about. And you
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know who it's with. And you've been telling yourself you're
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waiting for the right moment. Well, the right moment rarely
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shows up on its own. You've got to make it. Avoiding necessary
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conversations is one of the most common things I see in pastoral
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ministry. People let things go unsaid for months, sometimes
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years, and they tell themselves they don't want to cause trouble
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or they're waiting until the other person is ready to hear it
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or is in a better place. And meanwhile, the resentment builds,
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the relationship cools, and the gap between them grows wider
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than the original issue ever was. Here's what Jesus says about
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this in Matthew 18: 15. "If another believer sins against
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you, go privately and point out the offense. If the other person
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listens and confesses it, you have won that person back." One
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word in that verse is key. Go. Jesus says, "Go to the person,
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do it privately, and aim at winning them back." That's the
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goal you should have. He's saying, "Go" with the
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relationship in mind, with the goal of winning that person back.
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That reframes the whole conversation before it starts.
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Most of us approach these conversations, when we finally
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approach them, with the goal of being understood or being
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vindicated. But Jesus sets a different target. The goal is
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restoration. When that's the goal, the conversation looks
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different than it would if the goal were simply to be right.
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Now, there are conversations that I believe will require more
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preparation than others. A conversation with a spouse about
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something that's been building for years will probably be
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different from a conversation with a co-worker about a comment
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that hit you wrong. Some conversations need a trusted
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third party present. Some need to wait until you're calm to
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keep the goal in front of you. Jesus gives the "Wisdom will
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determine how to approach it." But here's what wisdom almost
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never says. Wait indefinitely. The study from St. Louis
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University measured the cost of that decision, and it showed up
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in distress scores, and damaged relationships, and things left
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unsaid until it's too late. Now, let's get back to the research.
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The research confirmed what most people already know from
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the conversation you've been avoiding doesn't get
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easier the longer you wait. The second thing gets heavier with
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every passing week, and the relationship drifts, and
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resentment builds behind it. Jesus addressed this directly in
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15. He gave one instruction: go to the person,
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privately, with the goal of winning them back. The
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discomfort of that conversation instead of the support of the
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spoils/ The discomfort of that conversation is almost always
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less costly than the damage of avoiding it. The researchers
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measured it in distress scores. Jesus measured it in
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relationships worth saving. God's already told you the
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answer. He said, "Go!" Here's today's challenge: Name the
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conversation you've been avoiding and write down the
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person's name in one sentence and ask you about what the
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conversation needs to address. Then, decide on one thing this
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when you'll make the contact, and how. Put it on the
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calendar, if that helps. You don't have to have the whole
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conversation figured out before you start. You just have to
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start. Lord, you see the conversations we've been putting
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off and the relationships that are paying the price for it.
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Give us the courage to go and the wisdom to go with the goal
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of winning that person back. Help us keep the relationship in
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front of us when the conversation gets uncomfortable.
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In Jesus' name, Amen. If this episode encouraged you today,
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would you consider sharing it with someone who might need it?
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Just go to
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dailydevotionsforbusylives.com/247 and copy the link. It only
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takes a moment, and it might reach someone who's been putting
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something off just as long as you have. Thanks for joining me
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on Daily Devotions for Busy Lives. Remember, the right
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moment rarely shows up on its own. Go to the person. Come back
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next time for more encouragement to help you live grounded in
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God's truth. Until then, God bless and have a great day.
