Learning to Forgive Someone Who Isn't Sorry
What do you do when the person who hurt you never apologizes, never acknowledges the harm, or has already passed away? In this episode, discover why forgiveness is not for them. It is for you.
Most teaching on forgiveness has a built-in assumption: eventually, the other person comes around. They realize what they did. They say the words you've been waiting to hear. And that's when the healing begins.
But what happens when they never come? What happens when the person who hurt you feels no remorse, offers no acknowledgment, and may never even know the damage they caused? What if they've already passed away, and the apology you needed died with them?
Forgiveness without an apology feels unjust. It feels like letting someone off the hook they deserve to stay on. And so a lot of people don't do it. They hold on, they wait, and they rehearse the wrong, and they keep the wound fresh. And while they do, something is quietly happening inside them.
Stanford researchers wanted to know exactly what. So they studied it. What they found was not strength or self-protection. Every time a person revisited an old wound, their body responded as if the injury was happening all over again. Stress hormones spiked. Blood pressure climbed. The immune system took a hit. And in people who had been rehearsing their grievance for years, the damage had been accumulating the entire time.
Dr. Fred Luskin, founder of the Stanford Forgiveness Project, spent over thirty years studying unforgiveness and its effects. His conclusion was consistent: forgiveness has nothing to do with the other person. It does not require their participation, their awareness, or their apology. The key that unlocks the door is already in your hand.
That lines up precisely with what Jesus says in Matthew 18:21-22. When Peter asked how many times he should forgive someone who sinned against him, Jesus answered with a number so far beyond counting that the point is unmistakable. Forgiveness is not a limited resource dispensed to people who have earned it. It is a posture. A continual release of debts that others owe you, whether or not they ever acknowledge owing them.
Through the Stanford research and the direct teaching of Matthew 18, this episode draws a clear line between forgiveness and reconciliation, explains why bitterness costs far more than most people realize, and makes the case that releasing the debt is not injustice. It is freedom.
BY THE TIME YOU FINISH LISTENING, YOU'LL DISCOVER:
- The critical difference between forgiveness and reconciliation, and why only one of them requires the other person
- What Stanford researchers found happens inside the body and mind of someone who refuses to forgive
- Why bitterness is a prison where the wrong person ends up locked inside, and how to find your way out
The apology you have been waiting for is not the key that unlocks the door. You already hold that key.
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I've mentioned the Stanford researchers before, but
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this time they wanted to know what actually happens inside the
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body of someone who refuses to forgive. So they studied it. And
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what they found was not what most people expected. They
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assumed they would find people who were strong, people who were
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holding firm in their decision, and people who were protecting
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themselves by keeping their guard up. What they actually
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found looked a lot more like slow self-destruction. Every
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time a person revisited an old wound, their body responded as
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if the injury was happening all over again. Stress hormones
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flooded the bloodstream, heart rate climbed, and blood pressure
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spiked. The immune system took a hit. And in people who had been
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rehearsing their grievance for years, the damage had been
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quietly accumulating the entire time. The researcher leading the
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project, Dr. Fred Luskin, described what he found in terms
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that are hard to shake. He said, "Holding onto a grudge is not
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neutral." He called it an ineffective strategy for dealing
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with a life situation you haven't been able to master. And
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he says it does real, measurable, physical and mental damage. Then
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someone in his study asked the question most of us would ask,
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"What if the person who hurt me never apologizes?" We'll come
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back to what he said in a moment. But first...
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Welcome to Daily Devotions for Busy Lives. I'm Bart Leger. Most
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teaching on forgiveness assumes that eventually the other person
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will come around. They realize what they did, they show up at
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your door, and they say the words you've been waiting to
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hear. And that's when the healing begins. But what happens
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when they never come? may never even know the damage they caused?
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What if they've already passed away and the apology you needed
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died with them? Forgiveness without an apology feels unjust.
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It feels like letting someone off the hook they deserve to
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stay And so a lot of people don't do it. They hold on, and
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they wait, and they rehearse the wrong, and they protect
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themselves by keeping the wound fresh. Here's what Jesus says
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about that in Matthew 18: 21 and 22: Then Peter came to him and
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asked, "Lord, how often should I forgive someone who sins against
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me? Seven times?" "No, not seven times," Jesus replied, "but
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seventy times seven." Peter thought he was being generous.
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Seven times was already well beyond what Jewish tradition
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required. And Jesus multiplied it so far past any reasonable
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counting that the point is clear. Forgiveness is not a limited
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resource you dispense carefully to people who have earned it.
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It's an attitude and it's a decision we make. A continual
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release of debts that others owe you. But here's where most of us
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balk. Jesus doesn't say the person has to ask for it. He
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doesn't say forgiveness is contingent on remorse or even
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acknowledging that they hurt you. He says forgive. The other
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person's response isn't part of the equation. This is where many
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people get stuck. We confuse forgiveness with reconciliation
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and they're not the same thing. Reconciliation requires two
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people. It requires the other person to acknowledge the harm
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and then demonstrate that their behavior has changed and work to
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rebuild what's broken. That's what we call a bilateral process.
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It works both ways and it can't happen on its own. Forgiveness,
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on the other hand, is unilateral. It's something you do inside
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yourself and before God, regardless of whether the other
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person ever participates. It doesn't mean that what happened
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was acceptable and it doesn't mean the relationships
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automatically restored. And it doesn't mean you expose yourself
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to the same harm again, but it does mean you release the debt.
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You stop requiring payment for someone who may never pay. And
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you stop letting their failure to apologize determine the
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quality of your own inner life. Here's the hard question. Who is
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actually being held captive when you refuse to forgive? Would you
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think about it? Not the person who hurt you. They're going
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about their life and the reality is they probably haven't lost
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any sleep over it. Probably never even thought about it
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again. And do you want me to let you in on a little secret? They
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may not even realize they hurt you. The person being held
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captive is you. And bitterness is a prison, and the person who
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hurt you is not locked inside with you. You are the only one
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there. Hebrews 12: 15 warns about a root of bitterness that
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grows up and causes trouble, defiling many. Bitterness isn't
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static. It doesn't stay contained to one relationship or
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one wound. It a cancer. And it colors the way you see other
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people. It makes trust harder. And it steals your joy. The
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longer it grows, the more it costs you in places that have
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nothing to do with the original offense. Now let's get back to
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the research. So what did the researcher say when people asked
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him, "What if the person who hurt me never apologizes?" Dr.
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Fred Luskin, founder of the Stanford Forgiveness Project,
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spent over 30 years studying exactly that question. And his
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answer was consistent. Forgiveness has nothing to do
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with the other person. It does not require their participation.
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And it doesn't require their awareness even. The apology
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you've been waiting for is not the key that unlocks the door.
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And I think he was here. You already hold that key. His
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research found that people who practiced forgiveness,
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regardless of whether their offender ever acknowledged the
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harm, saw measurable drops in blood pressure, improved sleep,
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reduced depression, and lower levels of the stress hormones
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that bitterness keeps pumping into the body year after year.
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And he put it plainly, holding onto a grudge is an ineffective
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strategy for dealing with a life situation you haven't been able
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to master. It does mental and physical damage. Jesus said it
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in Matthew 18 long before the science caught up. Forgiveness
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is not optional. Not because the other person earned it, but
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because you were never designed to carry that weight
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indefinitely. So let me ask you directly. Who are you waiting on?
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Whose apology are you holding your own peace hostage to?
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Because they may never say the words. And the longer you wait,
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the longer you stay in a prison that they may not even know they
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built.
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Here's today's challenge: Bring one specific name before God
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today. The person you've been waiting on. The one whose
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remorse you have been requiring before you let yourself heal.
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Tell God honestly what they did and how much it cost you. Then,
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ask Him specifically and sincerely for the grace to
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release it. Not because they deserve it. Not because it was
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okay. But because you were not designed to carry this. God is
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offering you a way out of the cell. You don't have to feel it
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fully yet. Forgiveness often begins on a decision long before
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it becomes a feeling. Start with a decision. Lord, some of us are
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carrying the wounds that were never apologized for or even
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acknowledged. It's been weighing on us for a long time. Give us
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the grace to release what we can't make right on our own. And
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help us understand that forgiveness isn't letting
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someone off the hook. What we're doing is we're freeing ourselves.
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And you are the one who sees every wrong ever done to us. And
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promises to make all things right in the end. Help us trust
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you with that. In Jesus' name. Amen. If this episode resonated
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with someone you've been carrying, would you share it
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with someone who might need to hear it today? Just go to:
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dailydevotionsforbusylives.com/213 and copy the link. It only
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takes a second. And it might make a real difference for
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someone in your life. Thanks for joining me on Daily Devotions
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for Busy Lives. Remember, the apology you're waiting for is
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not the key that unlocks the door. You already hold that key.
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Come back next time for more encouragement to help you live
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grounded in God's truth. Until then, God bless and have a great
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day!
