Help, My Marriage Survived but Never Healed

Picture a husband and a wife who'd been married a

long time. A few years back, something happened between them,

a and it nearly ended everything. they talked it through and they

decided to stay together. And they did. The marriage seems to

be working. They pay the bills together, they raise the kids,

and most nights they eat across a table from each other. But

there is a list of subjects neither of them brings up, and

they both know what those are. From the outside, the marriage

looks healed. Inside, it feels like a house divided. The truth

is, they saved the marriage and part of it is still waiting to

be healed. We'll come back to what healing looks like for a

couple like that, but first...

Welcome to Daily Devotions for Busy Lives. I'm Bart Léger.

I've counseled couples in this exact spot. The crisis is years

behind them. They stayed together, and they did the work

everybody told them to do, and now they're across from me

saying the marriage runs fine, but something still feels off. I

have to admit, there have been couples I would have told you

were doing fine, and I was wrong about them. Some couples went

through a crisis or a string of them, and they decided to stay

married. That was the right call, I believe, and they lived with

it for years now. And the deeper wounds from what happened never

fully closed. You still avoid certain

but you know which ones they are, the marriage functions, and

something in it still feels haunted. Here's the I want to

get at. Most couples in this position have quit expecting

anything else. You're not in a crisis, and nobody's threatening

to leave. You made your peace with it up to a point, and you

assume what you have now is the finished product. As far as you

can tell, the healing stopped years ago, and you file the rest

of it under, this is just how we are. Paul wrote something to the

Ephesian believers also speaks to a situation like that. It's

in Ephesians 4, verse 32. Instead, be kind to each other,

tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through

Christ has forgiven you. Look at who Paul was writing to. The

verse right before this one lists off bitterness and rage,

which tells you plenty about what was going on in that church.

There were people with reasons to be less than kind to each

other, and he tells them to be kind anyway. And this is no

small platitude that he's handing them. Kindness is the

material you rebuild with after trust has been broken. It's what

stays available to you when the big conversations are closed off,

and neither of you is going to open them this month. Then look

at the standard Paul attaches to it. Just as God through Christ

has forgiven you, that's the measure. And it's also the

supply. You aren't being asked to produce this out of your own

tank. Here's what I want you to see. God has not signed off on

the status quo you've accepted. He is patient with the marriage

that stayed together. And patient means he's still working

on it. Two people under one roof for another 20 years is a lot of

ordinary days, and each one is a chance for a kind word nobody

had to ask for. When a single dramatic scene fixes a marriage

like this, what heals takes small acts over time. It's a

kind word on a rough morning and a cup of coffee brought without

being asked. It is choosing again and again to be gentle

where you could be sharp. Kindness is how you rebuild

trust after it cracks one ordinary day at a time. And the

couple who thinks the healing stopped years ago can bring that

unresolved hurt to God, because he's patient with a marriage

that lasts and he's not finished with it yet. Look at where the

healing comes from there. A cup of coffee nobody asked for. A

tone of voice you picked on purpose when you may have been

tempted to be snarky. Those look too small to matter. They are

also what trust is built on, along with giving the other no

reason to doubt your commitment to the relationship. Here's

today's challenge. Do one kind thing for your spouse today that

they don't ask for and won't be expecting. It doesn't have to be

a big thing. The coffee or the gas tank filled before they get

to it. Don't attach a conversation to it and don't

point it out later. Then pray a sentence you may not have prayed

in years. God, I thought we were finished healing. Or we pray

that you would do the rest with it. Father, thank you for

marriages that stay together. You know what that costs the two

people in them and you know which subjects still go

untouched at their supper tables. For every couple listening who

quit expecting anything more than what they already have,

give them one kindness to offer this week and let it be received

and do the work in them that neither one of them knows how to

start. In Jesus' name, amen. This podcast runs on the

generosity of listeners just like you. If Daily Devotions for

Busy Lives has encouraged you, would you consider supporting it

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Thank you so much. Thanks for joining me on Daily Devotions

for Busy Lives. Remember, God is patient with a marriage that has

stayed together and He's not finished with yours. Do one kind

thing today. Come back next time for more encouragement to help

you live grounded in God's truth. Until then, God bless and have a

great day.