When You've Decided You're Not Ready to Let the Grudge Go
Most of us aren't confused about whether we're holding a grudge. We know. In this episode, discover what bitterness does to the people carrying it, and why letting go is an act of self-preservation.
Most of us aren't confused about whether we're holding a grudge. We know. In this episode, discover what bitterness does to the people carrying it, and why letting go is an act of self-preservation.
Thomas Haberbush was a teacher in Saratoga Springs, New York. In the 1970s he received poor job reviews and eventually lost his position. That was roughly 30 years before the police showed up.
In 2003, at 72 years old, Thomas pleaded guilty to stalking and criminal mischief. He had spent the previous 2 years targeting 9 former school board members and supervisors, scattering roofing nails across their driveways and spattering paint on their garage doors. The police investigator said: "It's very bizarre to carry around a grudge for nearly 30 years."
Nobody sets out to spend 30 years feeding a grudge. Thomas probably told himself he'd move on. He probably thought about those supervisors less as the years passed. But somewhere in the back of his mind, he was still keeping score. And by the time he showed up with roofing nails, the people who had hurt him were retired and had likely moved on. The only one still paying every day was Thomas.
Bitterness keeps the wound open. The person who hurt you has already moved on.
Most of us aren't confused about whether we're holding a grudge. We know. We've just decided, for now, that we're entitled to it. The wrong happened, the person hasn't changed, and letting go feels like letting them off the hook. This episode takes that feeling seriously. And then it asks what carrying the grudge is doing to you.
Hebrews 12:15 uses 2 images worth slowing down for. The first is a root. Bitterness starts underground and grows before you notice it. By the time you do, it's already spreading into places you didn't expect. The second is corruption, a word that means to defile or contaminate. What starts between 2 people doesn't stay there. It comes out at the dinner table and in how you respond to people who remind you of the person who hurt you. It shows up as a distance from God you can't quite explain.
The bitterness you're carrying doesn't stay where you put it. It moves.
Through Thomas's story and Hebrews 12:15, this episode makes the case that letting go of a grudge is an act of self-preservation. The person who hurt you doesn't lose anything when you forgive them. You gain something back. That root doesn't have to keep growing. You can pull it up today, and you may need to pull it up again tomorrow, and that's how forgiveness tends to work.
BY THE TIME YOU FINISH LISTENING, YOU'LL DISCOVER:
- Why bitterness spreads beyond the original wound and affects people who had nothing to do with what happened
- What the 2 images in Hebrews 12:15 reveal about how a grudge grows and what it corrupts over time
- One specific prayer you can bring to God today to start releasing what you've been holding
Letting go of a grudge is an act of self-preservation. The person who hurt you has already moved on.
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Track 1 00:00:00
Thomas Haberbush had been an elementary school
Track 1 00:00:03
teacher in Saratoga Springs, New York. In the 1970s, he received
Track 1 00:00:07
some poor job reviews from his supervisors, and eventually he
Track 1 00:00:11
lost his position. That was roughly 30 years before the
Track 1 00:00:15
police showed up. In 2003, at 72 years old, Thomas pleaded guilty
Track 1 00:00:20
to stalking and criminal mischief. He had spent the
Track 1 00:00:23
previous two years targeting nine former school board members,
Track 1 00:00:27
retired principals, and supervisors, people he'd held
Track 1 00:00:31
responsible for those bad reviews from three decades
Track 1 00:00:34
earlier. He had scattered roofing nails across their
Track 1 00:00:38
driveways and splattered paint on their garage doors, among
Track 1 00:00:42
other things. He made their lives miserable. The police
Track 1 00:00:46
investigator on the case said it plainly. It's very bizarre to
Track 1 00:00:49
carry around a grudge for nearly 30 years. We'll come back to
Track 1 00:00:53
what Thomas' story tells us. But
Track 1 00:00:57
first, welcome to Daily Devotions for Busy Lives. I'm
Track 1 00:01:01
Bart Leger. I sat across from people who were holding grudges
Track 1 00:01:05
that had been going on for years. Some knew it, others didn't. And
Track 1 00:01:09
what I've noticed in those conversations, the bitterness
Track 1 00:01:12
had a way of affecting everyone around him. Their marriages and
Track 1 00:01:17
friendships, and the way they related to their kids. Most of
Track 1 00:01:20
them were the last to see it. They were focused on the person
Track 1 00:01:24
who had wronged them. And they couldn't see what the anger was
Track 1 00:01:28
doing to everyone else. Let me say something you may already
Track 1 00:01:31
know. You're holding something you haven't let go of. You know
Track 1 00:01:35
you are. And part of you has decided you're entitled to it.
Track 1 00:01:39
At least for now. Because the wrong happened and the person
Track 1 00:01:42
hasn't changed. And the wrong may have been serious. But let's
Track 1 00:01:47
talk about carrying it for so long is doing to you. Here's
Track 1 00:01:51
what Hebrews 12.15 says. Look after each other so that none of
Track 1 00:01:56
you fails to receive the grace of God.
Track 1 00:02:02
grows up to trouble you, corrupting many. The writer uses
Track 1 00:02:06
two images worth paying attention to. The first is a
Track 1 00:02:09
root. Bitterness starts underground. Somewhere where you
Track 1 00:02:13
can't see it. And by the time you notice it, it's already been
Track 1 00:02:16
growing for a while. Roots don't stay contained. What they do is
Track 1 00:02:20
they spread. And they come up in places you weren't expecting
Track 1 00:02:23
them. The second is corruption. That word means to defile or
Track 1 00:02:28
contaminate. What starts as a wound between two people spreads.
Track 1 00:02:33
It comes out in how you treat your family at the dinner table.
Track 1 00:02:36
And how you respond to someone who reminds you of the person
Track 1 00:02:38
who hurt you. It shows up as a distance from God you can't
Track 1 00:02:43
explain. Because a person feeding bitterness has a harder
Track 1 00:02:46
time receiving grace. That's what the Hebrews' warning is
Track 1 00:02:49
about. The bitterness you're carrying doesn't stay where you
Track 1 00:02:53
put it. It moves and it grows. Now, let's get back to Thomas.
Track 1 00:02:57
Nobody sits down one morning and decides to spend 30 years
Track 1 00:03:01
feeding a grudge. Thomas didn't wake up in the 1970s and say he
Track 1 00:03:07
was going to let this eat him alive until he was 72. He
Track 1 00:03:11
probably told himself he'd move on. He probably thought about
Track 1 00:03:14
those supervisors less as the years went on. Maybe, maybe not.
Track 1 00:03:18
But somewhere in the back of his mind, he was still keeping score
Track 1 00:03:23
and still rehearsing the wrong. He was still holding the file
Track 1 00:03:28
open. And by the time he showed up with roofing nails, the
Track 1 00:03:32
people who had given him those reviews were retired. Some had
Track 1 00:03:36
probably forgotten he existed. The only one carrying the weight
Track 1 00:03:40
every day was Thomas. Bitterness keeps the wounds open. The
Track 1 00:03:44
person who hurt you has already moved on. I know, Thomas' story
Track 1 00:03:47
is extreme. But the pattern is the same for anyone who's been
Track 1 00:03:51
nursing a wound for years. You think you're punishing the
Track 1 00:03:54
person who hurt you. You're not. They've moved You're the one
Track 1 00:03:58
still paying. So here's what God is asking of you in this and why
Track 1 00:04:02
it matters. He's asking you to let it go. And the reason he's
Track 1 00:04:06
asking is the important part. He knows what carrying it is doing
Track 1 00:04:09
to you. Letting go of a grudge is an act of self-preservation.
Track 1 00:04:13
It's closing a wound that's been left open too long. The person
Track 1 00:04:17
who hurt you doesn't lose anything when you forgive them.
Track 1 00:04:20
You gain something back. That root doesn't have to keep
Track 1 00:04:24
growing. You can pull it out today. You may have to pull it
Track 1 00:04:27
up again tomorrow. Forgiveness tends to be a decision you make
Track 1 00:04:30
more than once before it sticks. But every time you make it, the
Track 1 00:04:34
root loses a little ground. Here's today's challenge. Name
Track 1 00:04:38
the thing you've been holding. Say it out loud, even if it's
Track 1 00:04:40
just to yourself. Then bring it to God and make the prayer
Track 1 00:04:44
specific. Tell him the name of the person and what they did.
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Tell him you're tired of carrying it and you're choosing
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to release it. You're releasing yourself from the weight of
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keeping score and leaving their accountability to God. Ask him
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to help you make that choice again when the feeling returns.
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Lord, you see the wounds we've been holding open longer than we
Track 1 00:05:03
should have. the people around us. Give us the courage to name
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the bitterness and the grace to let it go. Help us to choose it
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again tomorrow when the feeling comes back. And let us trust
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that releasing the score to you is the only way to stop paying
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it ourselves. In Jesus' name, amen. If this episode encouraged
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you today, would you share it with someone who might need to
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hear it? Just go to dailydevotionsforbusylives.com
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and copy the link. It only takes a second. Thanks for joining me
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on Daily Devotions for Busy Lives. Remember, letting go of a
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grudge is an act of self-preservation. The person
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who hurt you has probably already moved on. Come back next
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time for more encouragement to help you live grounded in God's
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truth. Until then, God bless and have a great day.
