How to Stay Married to Someone Who Is Difficult
Some marriages have more than friction. In this episode, discover what it looks like to keep loving a difficult person, what 1 Corinthians 13 says about love as a practice, and where the resource comes from when yours is gone.
Some marriages have more than friction. In this episode, discover what it looks like to keep loving a difficult person, what 1 Corinthians 13 says about love as a practice, and where the resource comes from when yours is gone.
A woman who asked to remain anonymous wrote her story for FamilyLife after 47 years of marriage. She had married at 18 to a man who was chronically negative, self-centered, and rarely had a kind word for her or their children. When he lost his job he sat and played solitaire for a year and a half. One stretch she fed their family of 5 on $20 for 2 weeks. She bought him books and got him to marriage conferences. She studied Scripture on how to be a better wife.
None of it changed him.
This episode is for the person in that kind of marriage. The one where the friction never lifts. The one where you've done your part and the other person hasn't moved. You're not describing a difficult season. You're describing a difficult person, and you've made a covenant with them.
Over the years I've sat across from many couples in marriages that ground them down. Some found their way through. Others chose divorce rather than face the underlying issues and do the personal work those issues required. I understand why. But I've watched enough of those endings to know that leaving rarely resolved what they thought it would.
First Corinthians 13 is a passage most people hear at weddings. It lands differently in year 20. Paul describes love as patient, kind, not irritable, keeping no record of wrong. He's describing a practice, not a feeling. Patient is something you choose to be. Keeping no record of wrong is a discipline you have to return to over and over because the record writes itself. None of these are things that happen to you. They're things you do, sometimes with very little coming back the other way.
The woman in this story eventually ran out of her own strength. She stopped trying to change her husband and gave him to God instead. What came in to fill that space was a love she said she couldn't have produced on her own. She stayed 47 years. As his health declined she became his caregiver. Her children told her later they hadn't felt abused, just ignored, and they thanked her for keeping her covenant.
She said God had become her companion in all the places her husband had left empty.
Through her story and 1 Corinthians 13, this episode makes the case that staying in a grinding marriage on your own reserves is a setup for collapse. The resource that makes it possible is one you have to ask for specifically, in the specific places where you've run out.
BY THE TIME YOU FINISH LISTENING, YOU'LL DISCOVER:
- Why 1 Corinthians 13 reads differently in a difficult marriage than it does at a wedding, and what Paul is describing when he calls love a practice
- What happens when you stop trying to change your spouse and give them to God instead, and why that distinction matters
- One concrete prayer and one concrete action you can take this week in the specific place where you've been running on empty
Her husband never changed. But she found God filling what she couldn't fill herself. That's available to you too, in the exact places where you've run out.
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A woman who asked to remain anonymous wrote her story
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for Family Life after 47 years of marriage because she wanted
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other women to know what she had found. She had married at 18,
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full of what she later called naivete, to a man who seemed
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kind enough before the wedding. Within the first month, it was
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clear she had misread him. He was chronically negative and
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self-centered, rarely had a kind word for her or her children,
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and refused to go to church from the beginning. When he lost his
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job years later, he sat and played solitaire for a year and
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a half, rather than look for work. One stretch, she fed her
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family of five on $20 for two weeks, trusting God for what she
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couldn't see coming, and she described those days as
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exhilarating because every morning she woke up wondering
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what God would provide. She kept making her books and got him to
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marriage conferences. She studied scriptures on how to be
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a better wife and kept making the meals. None of it changed
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him. She eventually reached a point where she stopped trying
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to change him and gave him to God instead.
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We'll come back to what happened over the years that followed.
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But first, welcome to Daily Devotions for Busy Lives. I'm
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Bart Leger. Over the years in pastoral ministry, I've sat
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across from many couples who were in marriages that ground
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them down. Some of them found their way through others who
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were in marriages who were in marriages that ground them down.
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Some of them found their way through; others chose divorce
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rather than face the underlying issues and do the personal work
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those issues required. And I understand why. The work is
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costly, and the return isn't always guaranteed. But I've also
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watched enough of those endings to know that leaving rarely
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resolved what they thought it would. Today's episode is for
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the person who is staying. I also want to say this. I want to
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say something before anything else. There are situations in
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marriage that go beyond difficulty, situations involving
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abuse or danger where staying is the wrong answer and getting to
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safety is the right one. This episode is for the person
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dealing with a marriage that grinds them down or one that
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leaves them feeling unseen and unappreciated. is for the person
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who is Christians who is treated and unappreciated. It's for the
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person who is in a covenant with someone who is chronically
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critical, withdrawn, or impossible to please, and who is
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trying to figure out how to keep loving a person who makes that
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choice really difficult every day. And that's a specific kind
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of challenge and that is a specific kind of challenge and
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it deserves more than a generic call to, "Just try harder."
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Here's what the Apostle Paul says about love in 1 Corinthians
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4-7. 1 Corinthians 13: 4-7. 1 Corinthians 13: 5. 1
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5-7. 1 Corinthians 13: 5-7. 1
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5-7. 2 Corinthians 13: 5-7. 2
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5-7. 1 Corinthians 13: 6.
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2 Corinthians 13: 10. 1 Corinthians 13: 19. 1
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20.
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Most people hear that passage at weddings when everything is new
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and they're feeling so in love. It's a different matter
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altogether in year 20 when you've been on the receiving end
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of criticism you didn't earn and you've run out of emotional
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reserves to draw from. Paul is describing love as a practice,
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not a feeling. Patient is something you choose to be, and
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kind is something you decide to do. Keeping no record of wrong
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is a discipline you have to return to over and over because
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the record writes itself. None of these things are things that
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happen to you. They're things you do, sometimes through
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clenched teeth and sometimes with very little coming back the
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other way. Now that's not a very romantic picture, but for many,
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it's an accurate one. Here's what I found from watching
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couples navigate this over many years. The ones who made it
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through the emotionally taxing kind of marriage weren't the
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ones who felt more love. They were the ones who kept choosing
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it even when the feeling was gone, even when they were
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running on fumes. And many of them found on the other side of
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that choosing that the feeling eventually followed. The other
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thing I found, and this is important, is that staying in a
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taxing or demoralizing marriage and trying to manufacture
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everything on your own is a setup for failure. The woman in
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today's story didn't make it 47 years on her own resources. She
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said she ran out of her own strength and then found
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something filling that space she couldn't have produced herself.
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That's a description of what happens when you stop
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white-knuckling it and let God into the specific places where
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you're depleted. God is present in your marriage if you've
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trusted Christ as your Savior and you're following Him, even
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when your spouse is absent in it. He sees the loneliness of going
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to bed next to someone who hasn't talked to you in years.
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He sees what it costs you to extend kindness to someone who
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doesn't return it. God's not indifferent to that. Now let's
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get back to the She stayed for 47 years, and as His health
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declined in their older years, she became His caregiver. Their
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children told her later they hadn't felt abused, just ignored,
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and they thanked her for keeping her covenant. She said God had
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become her companion in all the places her husband had left
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empty,
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manufactured on her own.
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who was in exactly the kind of marriage she was in, wondering
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if anyone else knew what it felt like to live that way. Well,
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someone did. Her husband never changed. But she outlasted her
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own resources and found God filling what was left. There's
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no magic formula for it. Just a daily reliance on God's grace
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and provision. And it's available to you in all those
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places where you've run out. Here's today's challenge. Name
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one place in your marriage where you've been running on your own
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reserves and coming up empty. Then pray specifically about
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that one place today. Tell God what it cost you. Ask Him to
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fill what you can't fill yourself and choose one small
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act of love this week, something specific for the person you're
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in covenant with before you feel like they've earned it. That's
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what 1 Corinthians 13 looks like when it's no longer a wedding
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verse. Lord, you see the marriages that are grinding on
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day after day. You see the loneliness and the criticism,
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the distance that never closes. Be present in the specific
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places where spouses have gone absent. Give the ones who are
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staying something they couldn't produce on their own. And let
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them trust that what you have joined together is worth the
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choosing, even when the choosing is costly. In Jesus' name, amen.
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Devotions for Busy Lives. Remember, love in 1 Corinthians
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13 is a practice more than a feeling. You choose it,
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especially when it costs you. Come back next time for more
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encouragement to help you live grounded in God's truth. Until
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then, God bless and have a great day.
