How to Love Someone Whose Choices You Don't Agree With

When Christopher Nguyen was 23, he sat his

Chinese immigrant parents down and told him he was gay. His mom,

Angela, gave him a choice: the family or that. So Christopher

left, and on his way out, he told him his gay friends were

his family now. Then things got worse. He partied his way out of

dental school three months short of his degree and moved to

Atlanta, where he started using drugs and then selling them. For

a long time, Angela barely knew where he was or whether he was

even alive. She was heartbroken over the road her son was on,

and she couldn't pretend she approved of it. She also refused

to cut him off, even though that might have felt justified. So

there she was, a mother who couldn't celebrate her son's

choices and couldn't stop loving her son. Two things at once

pulling in opposite directions. And from that far away, with a

son who had told her his friends were his family now, she had

almost nothing left to work with. Almost. We'll come back to what

she had, but first,

welcome to Daily Devotions for Busy Lives. I'm Bart LeJay. If

you love someone who's making choices you can't celebrate, I

want to speak to the tension you've been living in. And I

know this tension personally. When our oldest son was younger,

he started drinking. And for a while, he wasn't living for the

Lord the way we'd raised him to. Catherine and I chose to keep

loving him without hounding him about it. And then, we prayed a

bold prayer, "God, do whatever it takes to bring him back to

you." It wasn't quick, and it wasn't easy to "But he

eventually came back. Today, that same son is our worship

leader, serving God any way he can. So when I talk about loving

someone through choices that break your heart, I'm not

speaking from theory. Here's the bind a lot of us are in. Someone

we love—maybe it's a child, maybe a close friend—is making

choices we believe are sinful, or that we're sure will

eventually hurt them. Two instincts start pulling in

opposite directions. The first says to keep the peace, say

nothing and watch them go, because speaking up might push

further off. The second says to confront them and make them see

the truth. Both leave you unsettled. Silence feels like

you're endorsing it. Confrontation feels like you're

driving them away. Most of us bounce between the two and

really feel right about either. The Apostle Peter points to a

third way, and I believe it's better than either of those.

Listen to what he wrote in 1 Peter 4: 8, "Most important of

all, continue to show deep love for each other; for love covers

a multitude of sins." Think closely at that phrase, "Love

covers a multitude of sins." To cover, here, means to keep

loving a person right through their sin while still calling

the sin what it is. That's the third way, and it removes both

easy exits. You don't have to pretend you approve, and you

don't have to cut them off to make your point. Keep showing

that your love isn't a reward. You get to do the braver, the

better thing. Stay in the relationship, and keep showing

that your love isn't a reward they have to earn back. Both of

those old instincts seem to end the tension quickly. One, by

pretending, and the other by pushing. Covering love holds the

tension on purpose. It lets you grieve the choice and to love

the person in the same breath because those two were never

really opposites. Angela proved it. She never told Christopher

his lifestyle was fine, and she never told him he was too far

gone. She just kept loving from her knees for years. And don't

miss what works together with that love. It's prayer. When you

can't change someone, and you've decided not to badger them,

prayer is where your love keeps working. It's what Catherine and

I did, and it's what Angela did for years. "You keep loving the

person, and you keep asking God to do the part you can't." What

she had was her knees. After nearly losing her own life to

despair, Angela had come to Christ, and she started praying

for Christopher like it was her job. She fasted every Monday for

seven years, and one stretch she went 39 days straight. Her knees

turned brown and calloused from kneeling in her prayer closet.

And the whole time, she kept writing and visiting, and her

love never once told him he was too far gone. A few years

Christopher was arrested for dealing and sent to prison. And

there, at what looked like the bottom, he found a Bible someone

had tossed in a trash can. He started reading. "In a cell with

an HIV diagnosis and a felony record, the son who had stormed

out came home to God." Today, he teaches the Bible to others.

Peter wrote that above everything, we should keep

loving each other deeply, because love covers a multitude

of Peter wrote that above all our sins. He means love that

keeps loving a person through their sin while calling sin what

it is. It's the love that's consistent, that keeps writing

the letters and kneeling in the prayer closet long after most

people would have quit. You can grieve someone's choices and

love them at the same time. Angela did both for years, and

God did the rest. Here's today's challenge. Bring to mind the

person whose choices have been grieving you. Instead of the too

old instincts, silence or confrontation, choose the third

way this week. Do one warm thing that says you're still here,

maybe a text with no agenda about the issue between you.

Then, take the grief to God the way Angela did. And pray boldly

for the person asking him to do what you can't. You're not

endorsing anything, and you're not giving up. You're loving

them the way God loves you, all the way through. Father, you

know the people we love who are making choices that break our

hearts. Thank you that your own love covers us the same way,

staying close while we're still a mess. Give us that kind of

love for them, the love that grieves the choice and never

lets go with a person. Guard us from the silence that pretends

and the pressure that pushes them away. And do in their lives

what only you can do, the way you did for Angela's son, and

for those of us who once ran and came home. In Jesus' name, amen.

If Daily Devotions for Busy Lives has been an encouragement

to you, would you take a minute and leave a rating and review?

It helps more people find these devotions, and it only takes a

moment. I'd be so grateful. And thanks for joining me on Daily

Devotions for Busy Lives. Remember, you can grieve

someone's choices and love them at the same time. Those two

aren't enemies, and staying close is often what God uses

most. Come back next time for more encouragement to help you

live grounded in God's truth. Until then, God bless and have a

great day.