What to Do When You're Afraid Your Child Is Dating the Wrong Person

Back in 1972, a team of researchers set out to test

something every worried parent wonders about. Whether pushing

against the person your kid is dating or only backfires. They

tracked dating and married couples for months, watching

what happened as families pushed against the match. When the

numbers came back, they seemed to confirm a parent's worst fear.

The more the parents disapproved, the more in love the couple said

they were. They called it the Romeo and Juliet effect. And the

name stuck. For decades, this was their takeaway. Fight your

kid's relationship and you only pour gas on it. We'll come back

to what happened to that study. But

first, welcome to Daily Devotions for Busy Lives. I'm

Bart Leger. I've had this conversation with parents a few

times. A mother and a father worried sick about who their son

or their daughter is dating. What they want is something they

can take home and say that will make their kids see it. And I

don't have that something. I've never had it. What I've watched

over the years is that the more a family pushes, the less access

they potentially end up with. Then, they're worried and shut

down at the same time. And which is the worst of both. So what I

tell parents doesn't make them feel better right away. Because

at the end of the day, it's in God's hands. And up to the child

to listen to the Holy Spirit if they're a follower of Christ.

Few things pull on a parent like watching your child with

somebody you're worried about. You see the things they can't

see yet. You've been around long enough to know how much a

partner shapes a life. And you can already picture the next 10

years of it. And you're walking a fine line every single day.

Say too much and you push them closer to that person and

further from you. Say nothing and you feel like you stood

there and just watched it happen. A lot of parents end up doing

both. You hold it in for weeks and then it comes out all of a

sudden at the supper table in a tone you never planned on using.

The psalmist gives us a dose of wisdom in Psalm 25 speaks to

this very issue and many more. It's in Psalm 25, 12.

Look at who does the work in that sense. He will show them.

God does the showing. The path gets revealed to the person

walking it and it's God who does the work. That ought to change

what you ask God for. Most of us pray about the other person.

Lord, get him out of our life. Lord, let this thing change and

fall apart by Christmas. Psalm 25 points somewhere else

entirely. Pray that your child can see. Pray for discernment in

your son or daughter. Ask God to give them eyes for what's in

front of them and the spine to act on what they see. That

prayer has an advantage. The other one doesn't. It never

requires you to be right about this person. You might be right.

You might also be wrong. And every parent listening knows a

family who was dead wrong about somebody. Either way, a child

who sees clearly ends up where they need to be. Now, about

speaking. The door does open sometimes. A question they ask

you out of nowhere. A long drive with nobody else in the car.

When it opens, you don't have to be too aggressive. Just keep it

to what you've noticed.

Then, other researchers went back and tried to repeat the

study. And the original story didn't come back the same. It

kind of fell apart. The Romeo and Juliet effect mostly didn't

hold up. What they found was messier and more human.

Sometimes, pressure pushed a couple closer. And sometimes,

strong disapproval went right along with the breakup. There

was no reliable lever a parent could pull to change what a

child's heart wanted. The one thing the research kept

confirming was the limit of a parent's control. You can pray

and you can speak when the door opens. But the real work of

turning a heart belongs to God. Look at what 50 years of

studying this came back with. No lever or lever, whichever way

you want to pronounce it. The first finding said pushing

backfires. The retest said sometimes and sometimes the

opposite. What survived all of it was the size of a parent's

control or the span of their control, if you will, which is

smaller than any of us want it to be. That's uncomfortable to

hear. And it's a relief also. Because it means this was never

resting on whether you found the right words. Here's today's

challenge. Change your prayer today. For the next 30 days, aim

it at your child's discernment. Lord, show her the path she

should choose. Use the words of Psalm 25 if you want them

because God gave them to us for this. And do one thing for the

relationship you still have. Call your kid this week about

something that has nothing to do with any of this. Ask about work

or their school work if they're still in school. And tell them

what the dog did. A door stays open by being used. Father, you

said you would show the way to those who fear you. And we're

asking you to do that for our children. For every parent

listening who's worried today about their son or their

daughter and who they're with, settle them and keep them close

enough to be there when the door opens. Give our children eyes to

see what's in front of them and the courage to act on what they

see. In Jesus' name, amen. If you need prayer today, I'd love

to hear from you. You can leave me a voicemail at

dailydevotionsforbusylives.com slash voicemail. I listen to

every single one, and it would be an honor to bring your name

before the Lord. Thanks for joining me on Daily Devotions

for Busy Lives. Remember, God is the one who shows a person the

path. Pray for your child's eyes and keep the door open. Come

back next time for more encouragement to help you look

grounded in God's truth. Until then, God bless and have a great

day.