What to Do When You’ve Been Hiding a Struggle From Your Spouse

Melissa Houston paid the bills in her house, so she was

the only one who saw the number, and that number kept climbing.

It started small, a few online purchases. Then came a family

room remodel and a backyard pool. Her husband, Jamie, had a

feeling something was off, but he trusted her with the money

and didn't push. By the time Melissa let herself look

squarely at it, the credit card debt had passed $100, 000. The

truth was, the money was only half of The hiding was the other

half, and it was the part that was eating at her. We'll come

back to what Melissa finally did, but

welcome to Daily Devotions for Busy Lives. I'm Bart Leger.

Here's my own version of this. I'm quick to buy what I want.

Once I've decided on something, I'll have ordered it before I've

given it much thought. After that, I catch myself managing

when Catherine hears about There's no lie in it anywhere. I

just wait for a better moment, and sometimes that moment never

shows up, and the thing becomes old news on its own. You know,

that's a decision that I'm making about what my wife gets

to know, and it takes a little upkeep. I've learned to be more

upfront about larger purchases, and it's the same move Melissa

was making with a lot more zeros on the end of it. Some

Christians have been keeping something from their husband or

wife, a struggle with spending, a doubt about God that's been

growing for a year, maybe. And you've told yourself, you'll

tell them when the timing is right. You've been telling

yourself that for a while now, and the time never does get

right. Here's what I want you to see about what happens when we

hide something. Because people often underestimate it. It takes

work to maintain. You steer conversations away from a

subject, and you decide what to leave out of an answer that was

otherwise true, all the while you're keeping a running account

in your head of what your spouse knows. That upkeep is doing

damage every day, and it's probably doing more of it than

the thing you're hiding ever would. You promised to be known

by this person. The secret puts you in a marriage where one of

you is being managed. Solomon had a line for this. It's in

Proverbs 28, 13. People who conceal their sins will not

prosper, but if they confess them and turn from them, they

will receive mercy. Start with the word conceal, because in the

Hebrew, it's the ordinary word for cover. Put a lid on it.

There's nothing dramatic in the word, which fits pretty well,

because most of our hiding is undramatic. It's a hundred small

coverings. Then look at what the proverb says happens to that

person. He or she will not prosper. That Hebrew word means

to advance or get somewhere. Solomon doesn't say the

concealer is a monster necessarily. He says the man is

stalled. He isn't going anywhere, and neither is anything he's

part of. Maybe you need to hear this if your marriage has felt

stuck and you can't figure out why. Now, here's the part I

don't want you to miss, and it's the reason I'd read this verse

before you have the conversation. Look at how many verbs are in

the second half. If they confess and turn from them. That's two

verbs, and Solomon attaches the mercy to both of them together.

So the conversation isn't the whole assignment. Confession

without turning is a man telling his wife the truth about

something he intends to keep doing, and the proverb doesn't

promise him anything. If the struggle is spending, the

turning looks like handing over the account access. If it's

doubt, the turning may look like getting in front of somebody who

can help you work through it. One more thing about the word

confess. In the Hebrew, it's the same root as the word for praise.

Both of them are agreeing with something that's already true.

That's all a confession is. You're not informing God of

anything. You're stopping the management of it. So here's what

you can do. Pray before you speak. Pray through what you're

going to say, word by word, and ask God to go into that room

ahead of you. Then tell your husband or wife what you've been

keeping from them. The whole thing. In one conversation, not

released in installments over a month. And bring what you're

turning with you. Come to that conversation with the first step

already picked out, because that's what tells your spouse

this is a change and not just simply a disclosure. One before

give your story. If telling your spouse would put you in danger,

talk to a pastor or a licensed counselor first and let them

help you plan it. I think that's just wise, and it's what I'd

tell you if you were in my office. One day, Melissa stopped

hiding and told Jamie the whole number. He hadn't known the size

of it. He knew there was something wrong, but he wasn't

sure of the big figure. They sat down together, and instead of

the marriage ending, they started digging out one payment

at a time. The secret ended the day she told him. The trust,

though, it took longer. Jamie will tell you he still keeps his

guard up a little. Even now, confession didn't erase the

damage in a day. What it did was end the hiding, so the two of

them could face the full Side-by-side instead of alone in

the dark. That's the trade. You give up being the only one who

knows, and you get somebody looking at the same number

you've been looking at by yourself. Here's today's

challenge. Write down the thing you've been keeping. Then, write

the first step of the turning next to it. Then, pick the day.

This week, with a day and a time on it, because a secret with no

deadline will probably outlive your good intentions every time.

Ask God for mercy, which is the thing Solomon says is waiting on

the other side of both verbs. Father, you told us through

Solomon that covering something up keeps a person from getting

anywhere, and that mercy meets the one who tells the truth and

turns. Thank you that you already know what we've been

managing or hiding. For everybody listening who's been

waiting for the right time, give them a day this week and the

words to say. Go into that place ahead of them. In Jesus' name,

amen. If this episode encouraged you today, would you share it

with someone who might need to hear it? Just go to

dailydevotionsforbusylives.com 355 and copy the link. It only

takes a second, and it might make a difference in someone's

day. Thanks for joining me on Daily Devotions for Busy Lives.

Remember, Solomon put two verbs in that promise. Tell them, and

turn. Come back next time for more encouragement to help you

live grounded in God's truth. Until then, God bless and have a

great day.