What to Do When Someone You Love Is Suffering
There's a kind of grief that comes from watching someone you love suffer and knowing you can't make it stop. In this episode, discover what Job 2 says about presence, and why staying in the room is often the most loving thing you can do.
There's a kind of grief that comes from watching someone you love suffer and knowing you can't make it stop. In this episode, discover what Job 2 says about presence, and why staying in the room is often the most loving thing you can do.
Heather Tomlinson is a journalist in the UK who was diagnosed with cancer several years ago, went through 2 operations and a round of radiotherapy, and wrote about the experience for Premier Christianity in February 2025. She wrote about the people.
For 6 months during her illness, there was at least one bouquet of flowers in her living room from friends. Cards arrived. Texts kept coming. Some people weren't comfortable talking with her about what she was going through, and she said she understood that completely. But the ones who stayed in contact, who sent something even when they didn't know what to say, those were the people she said she could still feel.
One radiotherapy staff member stood out. The woman was sensitive to Heather's unease and asked gentle questions about how she was doing. She didn't offer explanations or look for silver linings. She just paid attention. Heather said she could still feel that woman's kindness at the time she wrote the piece.
Most of us know the helplessness of loving someone who is suffering and being unable to stop it. You've prayed, you've shown up in every way you know how, and the situation hasn't changed. This episode is for the person in that place.
Job 2 records that 3 of Job's closest friends traveled a long way when they heard what had happened to him. When they arrived and saw him, they tore their robes and threw dust on their heads, and sat down on the ground with him for 7 days without saying a word. The text says they saw that his suffering was too great for words. That silence was the most useful thing they ever did for Job. Everything they said afterward made things worse.
This episode includes something personal. As I record it, my wife Katharine is in a wheelchair recovering from surgery for a broken leg, with no weight bearing for 2 months. She also lives with an autoimmune disease that brings pain that has no cure. I know the helplessness of loving someone in pain you can't fix. You want to do something. Most of the time there's nothing to do.
Through Heather's story and Job 2:11-13, this episode makes the case that presence is the thing. The flowers didn't cure anything. The texts didn't explain anything. What they did was tell Heather she wasn't carrying it alone, and that turned out to matter more than she expected. Being there is useful. Staying is useful. And the one action this episode asks of you is the simplest one: make contact this week, even if you don't know what to say.
BY THE TIME YOU FINISH LISTENING, YOU'LL DISCOVER:
- What Job's friends got right for 7 days before they got everything wrong, and what that tells us about being present with someone in pain
- Why the pressure to say something useful often gets in the way of the thing the suffering person needs
- One concrete action you can take this week for someone you love who is going through something you can't fix
Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is stay in the room. That's enough.
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Heather Tomlinson is a journalist in the UK who was
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diagnosed with cancer several years ago, who went through two
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operations and a round of radiotherapy, and she wrote
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about the experience for Premier Christianity in February 2025.
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She didn't write about the medical procedures. She wrote
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about the people. For about six months during her illness, there
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was at least one bouquet of flowers in her living room from
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friends, sometimes two or three. Cards arrived and texts kept
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coming. Some people weren't comfortable talking with her
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about what she was going through, and she said she understood that
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completely. But the ones who stayed in contact, who said
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something even when they didn't know what to say, those were the
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people she felt she could still feel. One radiotherapy staff
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member stood out among all the rest. She described the woman's
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compassion simply. She was sensitive to Heather's unease
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and asked gentle questions about how she was doing. She didn't
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offer explanations or try to find silver linings. She just
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paid attention. Heather said she could still feel that woman's
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kindness at the time she wrote the piece. We'll come back to
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what that tells us in a moment. But first,
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welcome to Daily Devotions for Busy Lives. I'm Bart Leger. As I
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record this episode, my wife Catherine is in a wheelchair
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recovering from surgery for a broken leg. No weight bearing at
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all for two months. She also lives with an autoimmune disease
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that brings pain that has no cure. I've watched her suffer
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through both, and I know the helplessness of loving someone
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who's in pain, and you can't stop and fix it. You want to do
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something, and most of the time, there's nothing to And that's
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what today's episode is about. There's a kind of grief that
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comes from watching someone you love suffer and knowing you
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can't make it stop. You've prayed, and you've shown up in
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every way you know how, and the situation hasn't changed. And
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somewhere beneath all that effort, you start wondering
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whether your presence is even making a difference. It is, but
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not in the way you might expect.
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When three of Job's friends heard of the tragedy he had
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suffered, they got together and traveled from their homes to
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comfort and console him. Their names were Eliphaz the Temanite,
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Bildad the Shuhite, and Zophar the Namathite. When they saw Job
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from a distance, they scarcely recognized him. Wailing loudly,
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they tore their robes and threw dust into the air over their
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heads to show their grief. Then they sat on the ground with him
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for seven days and nights. No one said a word to for they saw
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that his suffering was too great for words. Seven no words. They
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didn't explain anything, offer a perspective, or tell him what
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God was doing. They sat on the ground with him and stayed. That
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was probably the most useful thing Job's friends ever did for
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him. Everything they said later made things worse. Their
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theology was wrong, and the timing was completely wrong, too.
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But those seven days of silence before they opened their mouths,
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those were the right things to do. The text says they saw that
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his suffering was too great for words. They understood something
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most of us tend to resist. And that is, sometimes the most
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loving thing you can do is stay in the room when you don't have
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anything to say. I've spent time with literally hundreds of
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families who were at their lowest point and at their
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greatest point of grief in losing someone they loved. And
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most of the time, I just stayed with them, did what I could for
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them, but most of the time just stayed silent. I was just there
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for them. And most of us are uncomfortable with that. When
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someone we love is suffering, we feel the pressure to say
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something useful. Oh, we offer silver linings. And we offer
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theological frameworks. We say things like, God is in control,
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and everything happens for a reason. Now, there's a time and
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a place for that. We say those things because silence makes us
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feel like we're coming up short. The things we say may be true,
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but the timing is usually off. The person suffering needs
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someone just to be there with them. Heather Tomlinson didn't
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write about the people who had the right things to say. She
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wrote about the ones who showed up and kept showing up. The
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flowers, the techs, the staff member who asked gentle
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questions and left the silver linings alone. What those people
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did was tell her she wasn't carrying it by herself. And that,
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she turned out to matter more than she expected. your presence
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does that too, even when you feel like you're not doing
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anything. Here's a practical word for the person who's
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watching someone suffer and feeling helpless. Resist the
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urge to fix. When you're with them, follow their lead. If they
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want to talk, follow where they go. If they go quiet, don't try
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to fill it. You don't have to fill every pause with something
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useful. Being there is useful enough. Staying is useful. And
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the one concrete thing you can do this week? Show up. Make
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contact. Send the text. Or make the call, even if you don't know
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what to say. Tell them you've been thinking about them and you
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wanted them to know. You don't need any more than that. Job's
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friends got it right for seven days by saying nothing at all.
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Now, let's get back to Heather. Heather wrote about the people
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who showed up. And what she said was this. They helped her get
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through the days that weren't going to change. The flowers
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didn't cure anything. And the didn't try to explain anything.
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What they did was tell her that she wasn't at it all alone. And
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that turned out to matter more than she expected. Job's friends
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did something right before they did something wrong. They
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traveled a long way to reach him. And when they got there, they
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saw his suffering. And they sat on the ground with him for seven
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days and said nothing. The text says they saw that his suffering
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was too great for words. They were right. Sometimes it is. And
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sometimes the most loving thing a person can do is just simply
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stay there with the person in the room, even when they don't
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know what to say. That's what Heather's friends did. And
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that's what you can do too. Lord, you see the ones who are
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watching someone they love suffer today. You see the
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helplessness of it. Please meet them there. Give them the
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courage to stay when they have nothing to offer but their
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presence. And let the ones who are suffering know they're being
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held by the people around them and by you. In Jesus' name, amen.
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Thanks for joining me on Daily Devotions for Busy Lives.
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Remember, sometimes the most loving thing you can do is stay
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in the room. Come back next time for more encouragement to help
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you live grounded in God's truth. Until then, God bless and have a
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great day.
