When You Love Your Spouse but You Don't Like Each Other Anymore

Jerry Dugan was 11 years old when his parents divorced,

and he spent the rest of his childhood watching his dad fall

apart. He decided right then that his own marriage would look

different. Years later, he married Olivia. They both came

from divorced homes, and they both meant every word of their

vows. Neither one of them wanted to end up where their parents

had. But a few years in, something started to shift.

There wasn't a blow-up or an affair. There were no nights of

screaming or sleeping on the couch. It happened without any

single moment you could point to. They were gradually becoming two

separate people who shared a house and passing each other in

the kitchen and dividing up the making it work, just not really

connecting anymore. Jerry said later that if they had stayed on

that road by year 14 or 15, they would have probably ended up

exactly like their Nobody had done anything wrong. The drift

just kept going, and neither one of them knew how to stop it.

We'll come back to what they did about it, but first...

Welcome to Daily Devotions for Busy Lives. I'm Bart Leger. I've

sat with many couples in my office over the years, and

there's something I've noticed before a single word is spoken.

When a couple comes in and they're in trouble, they sit on

opposite ends of the couch, pressing into the armrest as far

from each other as the cushions will allow. You can see the

distance before you hear it. Most of them are too ashamed to

say what brought them in. So, I'll say it for them today. You

love your spouse, but you really don't like each other anymore.

The warmth is gone, and the conversations have dried up, and

the person you share a life with feels like someone you used to

know. You may not be fighting. You're just distant, and somehow

the distance feels worse than fighting would. And I know

that's a painful place to be, and it's more common than anyone

talks about at church. Here's what God says about marriage in

Malachi 2, verses 15 and 16.

Twice in that passage, God says the same thing.

Twice in that passage, God says the same thing. That That phrase

is important. It means the drift doesn't just happen to you. At

some level, you let it happen. Your heart wanders when it isn't

being tended, and guarding it is something you have to do every

day, on purpose. Most couples don't end up distant because one

of them blew up the marriage. They end up there because both

of them got busy and tired, and they stopped choosing each other

in the small daily ways. And the gap that opened up slowly became

the new normal. There was no single decision that caused it.

It's more like a thousand little moments of choosing not to

engage. And the distance didn't happen overnight, and it won't

close overnight either. But here's what I want you to hear.

It can close. The same God who said, guard your heart, is the

God who invented marriage in the first place. He knows what it

takes, and He hasn't given up on yours. the distance in your

requires someone to go It requires someone to decide that

the marriage is worth the discomfort of moving toward a

person who may not move back right away. And that's a

frightening thing to do when you're already feeling rejected.

But someone has to take the first step, and God tends to

honor the person who takes it. It also requires honesty about

what happened. Distance doesn't close up on its own. It closes

up when two people are willing to name that they've drifted

apart, stop blaming each other for it, and start asking, how do

we choose each other today? Now, let's get back to our story. but

not knowing how to change it. What they learned that weekend

was pretty straightforward. A God-centered marriage doesn't

drift into health. You have to choose it over and over, even

when you don't feel like it. They came home with a different

picture of what their commitment required, and they started

making different choices. a conference of their own. Jerry

said it felt good to see couples go in struggling and come out

renewed. He knew what that felt like, because he'd been there.

The distance Jerry and Olivia closed wasn't closed in a

weekend. The conference gave them a direction. The choosing

happened after they got home in the daily decisions of life,

just one little yes at a time. Here's today's challenge. Choose

one small thing today that moves you toward your spouse. walk in

the room or just ask one question you don't already know

the answer to. You don't have to overhaul the whole relationship

today. The distance closes one small choice at a time, and the

first one is always the hardest. Lord, you see the marriages that

are struggling right now, and you're not surprised by the

distance. You invented the covenant. You know what it costs

to keep it. Give courage to the spouse who needs to go first,

and give patience to the one who's waiting. Remind both of

them that you're still in this with them, and that what you

have joined together is worth fighting for. In Jesus' name,

amen. If Daily Devotions for Busy Lives has encouraged you,

would you take a minute and leave a rating and review? It

helps more people find these devotions, and it only takes a

moment. I'd be so grateful. Thanks for joining me on Daily

Devotions for Busy Lives. Remember, a God-centered

marriage doesn't drift into health. You've got to choose it,

even when you don't feel like it. Come back next time for more

encouragement to help you live grounded in God's truth. Until

then, God bless and have a great day.