When You Love Your Spouse but You Don't Like Each Other Anymore
A lot of couples end up here, and most of them are too ashamed to say it out loud. In this episode, discover why the distance in your marriage didn't happen overnight, and what it takes to start closing it.
A lot of couples end up here, and most of them are too ashamed to say it out loud. In this episode, discover why the distance in your marriage didn't happen overnight, and what it takes to start closing it.
Jerry Dugan was 11 years old when his parents divorced. He spent the rest of his childhood watching his dad fall apart, and he decided right then that his own marriage would look different. Years later, he married Olivia. They both came from divorced homes, and they both meant every word of their vows.
A few years in, something started to shift. No blowup, no affair, no dramatic moment anyone could point to. They were just gradually becoming 2 separate people who shared a house, passing each other in the kitchen and dividing up the responsibilities. Making it work. Just not really connecting anymore.
Jerry said later that if they had stayed on that road, by year 14 or 15 they probably would have ended up exactly like their parents. Nobody had done anything wrong. The drift just kept going.
I've sat across from couples in my office who looked just like that. They'd come in and press themselves into opposite armrests as far from each other as the couch would allow. You could see the distance before a single word was spoken. Most of them were too ashamed to name what they were really feeling.
So here it is: you love your spouse, but you don't really like each other anymore. The warmth is gone. The conversation has dried up. The person you share a life with feels like someone you used to know. That's a painful place to be, and it's more common than anyone talks about at church.
Malachi 2:15-16 says this twice: guard your heart. The repetition isn't accidental. The heart wanders when it isn't being tended, and guarding it is something you have to do every day, on purpose. Most couples don't end up distant because of one catastrophic decision. A thousand small moments of choosing not to engage did it instead.
The distance didn't happen overnight. It won't close overnight either. But it can close. Through Jerry's story and the pointed call of Malachi 2, this episode makes the case that a God-centered marriage doesn't drift into health. You have to choose it, even when you don't feel like it.
BY THE TIME YOU FINISH LISTENING, YOU'LL DISCOVER:
- Why the drift in a marriage is rarely caused by one big moment, and what creates the distance over time
- What Malachi 2:15-16's repeated command to guard your heart means for couples who've stopped choosing each other
- One small, concrete step you can take today to begin closing the gap
God hasn't given up on your marriage. And someone has to go first.
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Jerry Dugan was 11 years old when his parents divorced,
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and he spent the rest of his childhood watching his dad fall
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apart. He decided right then that his own marriage would look
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different. Years later, he married Olivia. They both came
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from divorced homes, and they both meant every word of their
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vows. Neither one of them wanted to end up where their parents
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had. But a few years in, something started to shift.
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There wasn't a blow-up or an affair. There were no nights of
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screaming or sleeping on the couch. It happened without any
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single moment you could point to. They were gradually becoming two
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separate people who shared a house and passing each other in
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the kitchen and dividing up the making it work, just not really
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connecting anymore. Jerry said later that if they had stayed on
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that road by year 14 or 15, they would have probably ended up
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exactly like their Nobody had done anything wrong. The drift
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just kept going, and neither one of them knew how to stop it.
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We'll come back to what they did about it, but first...
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Welcome to Daily Devotions for Busy Lives. I'm Bart Leger. I've
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sat with many couples in my office over the years, and
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there's something I've noticed before a single word is spoken.
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When a couple comes in and they're in trouble, they sit on
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opposite ends of the couch, pressing into the armrest as far
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from each other as the cushions will allow. You can see the
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distance before you hear it. Most of them are too ashamed to
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say what brought them in. So, I'll say it for them today. You
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love your spouse, but you really don't like each other anymore.
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The warmth is gone, and the conversations have dried up, and
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the person you share a life with feels like someone you used to
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know. You may not be fighting. You're just distant, and somehow
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the distance feels worse than fighting would. And I know
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that's a painful place to be, and it's more common than anyone
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talks about at church. Here's what God says about marriage in
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Malachi 2, verses 15 and 16.
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Twice in that passage, God says the same thing.
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Twice in that passage, God says the same thing. That That phrase
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is important. It means the drift doesn't just happen to you. At
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some level, you let it happen. Your heart wanders when it isn't
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being tended, and guarding it is something you have to do every
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day, on purpose. Most couples don't end up distant because one
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of them blew up the marriage. They end up there because both
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of them got busy and tired, and they stopped choosing each other
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in the small daily ways. And the gap that opened up slowly became
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the new normal. There was no single decision that caused it.
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It's more like a thousand little moments of choosing not to
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engage. And the distance didn't happen overnight, and it won't
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close overnight either. But here's what I want you to hear.
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It can close. The same God who said, guard your heart, is the
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God who invented marriage in the first place. He knows what it
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takes, and He hasn't given up on yours. the distance in your
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requires someone to go It requires someone to decide that
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the marriage is worth the discomfort of moving toward a
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person who may not move back right away. And that's a
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frightening thing to do when you're already feeling rejected.
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But someone has to take the first step, and God tends to
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honor the person who takes it. It also requires honesty about
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what happened. Distance doesn't close up on its own. It closes
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up when two people are willing to name that they've drifted
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apart, stop blaming each other for it, and start asking, how do
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we choose each other today? Now, let's get back to our story. but
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not knowing how to change it. What they learned that weekend
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was pretty straightforward. A God-centered marriage doesn't
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drift into health. You have to choose it over and over, even
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when you don't feel like it. They came home with a different
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picture of what their commitment required, and they started
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making different choices. a conference of their own. Jerry
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said it felt good to see couples go in struggling and come out
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renewed. He knew what that felt like, because he'd been there.
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The distance Jerry and Olivia closed wasn't closed in a
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weekend. The conference gave them a direction. The choosing
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happened after they got home in the daily decisions of life,
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just one little yes at a time. Here's today's challenge. Choose
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one small thing today that moves you toward your spouse. walk in
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the room or just ask one question you don't already know
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the answer to. You don't have to overhaul the whole relationship
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today. The distance closes one small choice at a time, and the
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first one is always the hardest. Lord, you see the marriages that
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are struggling right now, and you're not surprised by the
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distance. You invented the covenant. You know what it costs
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to keep it. Give courage to the spouse who needs to go first,
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and give patience to the one who's waiting. Remind both of
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them that you're still in this with them, and that what you
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have joined together is worth fighting for. In Jesus' name,
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amen. If Daily Devotions for Busy Lives has encouraged you,
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would you take a minute and leave a rating and review? It
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helps more people find these devotions, and it only takes a
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moment. I'd be so grateful. Thanks for joining me on Daily
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Devotions for Busy Lives. Remember, a God-centered
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marriage doesn't drift into health. You've got to choose it,
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even when you don't feel like it. Come back next time for more
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encouragement to help you live grounded in God's truth. Until
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then, God bless and have a great day.
