Why You Keep Saying Yes When You Mean No
A lot of us say yes to almost everything, then resent the very people we said yes to. This episode looks at why we do it, and how telling the truth about your capacity frees both you and the people you love.
A lot of us say yes to almost everything, then resent the very people we said yes to. This episode looks at why we do it, and how telling the truth about your capacity frees both you and the people you love.
Most of us don't set out to live overcommitted. We say yes to one good thing, then another, until the calendar is full and so is the resentment we can't quite name. We agree to the lunch and the favor a friend asked for, and the moment we hang up the phone we feel the cost of one more thing we didn't have room for.
Most of us learned the habit young. Somewhere along the line, somebody taught us that no is rude, or a sign we're not committed enough to the people who count on us. So we keep the peace in the moment and pay for it later, in exhaustion and a slow burn of resentment.
Anne Kennedy knew that feeling. She was a Christian woman doing everything a faithful Christian woman is supposed to do, and she still woke up at four in the morning unable to get ahead of her list. By bedtime she was apologizing again. As she put it, all she did was apologize for being a colossal failure. A friend at church nodded along and added her own version of the same list. Both of them were drowning in obligations they had agreed to, and neither one knew how to say no, because every last item looked like something a good Christian was supposed to say yes to.
Then Anne came across a book that named what had happened to her. Her circle of obligation had grown so wide that life felt like ten thousand people stranded on the side of the road, and she was somehow supposed to be the good Samaritan to every one of them. What she finally saw was that her ordinary, daily obedience had been left lying by the road while she piled up one spiritual obligation after another. She had become an overcommitted Christian, and she could no longer tell the difference between what God asked of her and what guilt asked of her.
This is where Matthew 5:37 meets us. Jesus said to let your yes be yes and your no be no, and that anything past that comes from somewhere it shouldn't. He treats yes and no as equally honest answers, which means a clear no is as faithful as a clear yes. A truthful no is an act of love. It protects your yes, and it protects the people on the other end from getting a worn-out, distracted version of you when they needed your attention.
In this episode, Bart shares his own experience of saying yes to good things until the work God called him to began to suffer, and what he learned about telling a good thing no. Through Anne's story and the plain words of Jesus, the episode takes a clear-eyed look at why we keep agreeing when we mean to decline, and how to come back to the lighter yoke God offered. You were only ever asked to walk where He has already gone.
BY THE TIME YOU FINISH LISTENING, YOU'LL DISCOVER:
- Why we keep saying yes when we mean no, and where that habit usually comes from
- What Jesus meant in Matthew 5:37 when He put a clear no on equal footing with a clear yes
- How a truthful no guards your time for the work God gave you, and protects the people you love
Saying yes to everything was never the price of faithfulness. The lighter yoke is still on offer, and a clear no may be the most loving word you say all week.
Share This Episode:
https://www.dailydevotionsforbusylives.com/251
Need Prayer? Leave me a voicemail:
https://www.dailydevotionsforbusylives.com/voicemail
Want to keep these devotions coming? Please consider supporting this podcast.
https://www.dailydevotionsforbusylives.com/support/
Rate and Review
https://www.dailydevotionsforbusylives.com/reviews/new/
Connect with Bart
Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/dailydevotionsforbusylives
Website: https://www.dailydevotionsforbusylives.com
Feeling spiritually drained? Start here. Download your free copy of my eBook Making Time for Jesus https://www.dailydevotionsforbusylives.com/subscribe.
Mentioned in this episode:
Join Our Private Facebook Community
If you're looking for a place to connect with other Daily Devotions listeners and pray for each other, I'd love for you to join our private Facebook community group. Come find us at https://www.dailydevotionsforbusylives.com/group
Speak:
Anne Kennedy woke up at four in the morning and still
Speak:
couldn't get ahead of her list. She was a Christian woman doing
Speak:
everything she'd been told a faithful Christian woman should
Speak:
do. Daily prayer and Bible study, keeping up with her
Speak:
relationships, doing the dishes and keeping the laundry moving,
Speak:
and by bedtime, she was apologizing again. She described
Speak:
it this way, All I do is apologize for being a colossal
Speak:
failure. Her friend, sitting across from her at church,
Speak:
nodded and added her own version of the same list. Both of them
Speak:
were drowning in obligations they had agreed to, and neither
Speak:
of them knew how to say no to any of it because all of it
Speak:
seemed like something a good Christian was supposed to say
Speak:
yes to. Anne eventually stumbled across a book that named what
Speak:
had happened to her, and to a lot of people like her. The
Speak:
circle of obligation, she read, had become so large that she
Speak:
felt like 10,000 people on the side of the road, and she was
Speak:
supposed to be the good Samaritan in every single case.
Speak:
We'll come back to what she found on the other side of that.
Speak:
But first...
Speak:
Welcome to Daily Devotions for Busy Lives. I'm Bart LeJay. If
Speak:
you've ever said yes to something and felt your stomach
Speak:
drop before you ever hung up the phone, this one's for you. This
Speak:
I've lived myself more than once. I've said yes to something good,
Speak:
then watched it stretch me past what I had left to give. One yes
Speak:
to many, and I'd hit a wall, and the work God called me to
Speak:
started slipping because I'd spent myself on things He'd
Speak:
never handed to me. I had to learn that telling a good thing,
Speak:
no, can be the most faithful move I can It's how I guard the
Speak:
work He gave me. Maybe you know the feeling. You agree to
Speak:
something, and the second it's done, you resent it. What you
Speak:
resent is the spot you just put yourself in. One more thing you
Speak:
didn't seem to have room for. Stacked on a calendar that was
Speak:
already full. Most of us don't even know why we do it. We
Speak:
learned it young. Somewhere along the line, someone taught
Speak:
us that to say no is rude, or a sign we're not committed enough
Speak:
to the people who count on us. So we say yes to keep the peace,
Speak:
and we pay for it later in exhaustion and a slow-burning
Speak:
resentment. Here's the part that took me so long to see. We treat
Speak:
a packed yes list like proof of a generous heart. Usually, it's
Speak:
proof of a frightened one. When you say yes to everything, you
Speak:
hand people a distracted, worn-out version of you, when
Speak:
what they needed was your attention. Jesus has something
Speak:
to say about this, and it's shorter than you expect. In the
Speak:
Sermon on the Mount, he put it like this, Just say a simple yes,
Speak:
I will, or no, I won't. Anything beyond this is from the evil one.
Speak:
That's Matthew 5, 37. both good answers. He treats no as a whole
Speak:
answer equal to yes. A clear no can be every bit as faithful as
Speak:
a clear yes. Everything past that, the over-promising and the
Speak:
yes you don't mean, he says comes from somewhere it
Speak:
shouldn't. And there's a kindness in that you might miss.
Speak:
When you tell the truth about what you can give, you protect
Speak:
the person on the other The friend who needed your full
Speak:
attention gets it, instead of an apology for being half there.
Speak:
Your yes means more because it's the only thing you said yes to.
Speak:
Anne's name for her problem was the circle of obligation, And it
Speak:
had grown so wide she'd lost track of which yeses were gods
Speak:
and which ones were guilt wearing a spiritual mask. That's
Speak:
the trap. We pile up religious obligations and we call it
Speak:
devotion, while the plain daily obedience God asked for gets
Speak:
crowded out. Anne Kennedy's conclusion, after working her
Speak:
way through every obligation she'd agreed to was plain.
Speak:
Ordinary obedience had been left lying by the road while she
Speak:
piled up one spiritual obligation after another. She
Speak:
was an over-committed Christian. And the two things that had
Speak:
gotten so tangled together in her mind that she couldn't tell
Speak:
them apart anymore. Matthew 5.37 is one of the most
Speak:
straightforward verses in the Sermon on the Mount. Jesus says,
Speak:
Let your yes be yes and your no be no. He treats yes and no as
Speak:
equally good, equally valid answers. And he says that
Speak:
anything beyond that comes from somewhere darker than
Speak:
faithfulness. Anne went back to the drawing board of her life
Speak:
and resubmitted herself to what she called the gentle yoke of a
Speak:
Savior who only asks her to walk in the way He has already gone.
Speak:
That yoke is light. The one she'd been wearing wasn't.
Speak:
Here's today's challenge. Before the day's over, find one yes on
Speak:
your calendar you said out of guilt and tell yourself the
Speak:
truth about it. Maybe you keep it and do it with a whole heart.
Speak:
Maybe you make one phone call and gently take it back. Either
Speak:
way, you're practicing what Jesus said, letting your yes
Speak:
mean yes and your no can finally mean no. Father, thank you that
Speak:
you never asked us to be the Savior of every person on the
Speak:
side of the road. You already sent one and it wasn't us. We
Speak:
confess that we say yes out of fear, often more than love, and
Speak:
we come home empty because of it. Teach us to tell the truth about
Speak:
what we can give and mean it when we do. A clear no can honor
Speak:
you as much as a clear yes. Help us to believe that today. In
Speak:
Jesus' name, amen. If this episode encouraged you today,
Speak:
would you share it with someone who might need to hear it? Just
Speak:
go to dailydevotionsforbusylives.com
Speak:
slash 251 and copy the link. It only takes a second, and it
Speak:
might make the real difference in someone's day. Thanks for
Speak:
joining me on Daily Devotions for Busy Lives. Remember, a
Speak:
clear no can be as faithful as a clear yes, and the truth about
Speak:
what you can give protects the people you love. Come back next
Speak:
time for more encouragement to help you live grounded in God's
Speak:
truth. Until then, God bless, and have a great day.
