How to Care for a Loved One Without Losing Yourself
When you're caring for someone you love through decline, the part that wears on you most is the grief no one recognizes and the drain that never lets up. This episode names what you've been feeling and points to the mercy that begins fresh every morning, enough for one more day.
When someone you love starts to decline, the role that lands on you can be one of the most disorienting things you'll ever do. The person who once held things together now needs you to hold things together for them, and the switch doesn't happen cleanly. There are the appointments and the worry that won't shut off. And there's a kind of grief most people never name, even though that's what it is.
You're losing them in pieces while you're still trying to honor them, and the world has no category for grieving someone who's still right in front of you. The wearing-down rarely comes from one dramatic crisis. It comes from the sameness, the same tasks today that you'll do again tomorrow, with no finish line in view. You can love someone with everything in you and still feel yourself running empty.
Wanda Medina knew that exhaustion from the inside. Her husband, Hector, a 20-year FBI agent who had always been gentle and thoughtful, was diagnosed with early-onset Alzheimer's at 56. The man she had built her life with began to disappear, his temper rising and his patience gone, and she slid into a depression she couldn't shake. She described herself as lost and lonely. Years later, in therapy, she learned that what she'd been feeling all along had a name. She had been grieving.
Tom Manak felt it too, caring for his wife, Ro, through Parkinson's until she died in 2021. As the losses added up, he said, he felt less like her husband and more like her caregiver. What changed things for him was a Parkinson's support group at Northwestern Memorial Hospital in Chicago, a circle of caregivers who stayed in touch and reminded each other they weren't alone. He kept meeting with them every week, even after Ro was gone.
Both of them found the same thing: this role can't be sustained alone, and no one had told them that at the start. That's where Lamentations 3:22-23 meets the caregiver. Jeremiah wrote it while everything he loved fell apart, and still he said the Lord's mercies begin fresh each morning. The promise is for the one doing the caring too. You don't have to find strength for the whole long road tonight. You only need enough for today, and tomorrow the mercy will be new again.
Bart speaks to this from his own life, caring for his wife through chronic pain, and from years of counseling people in the same place. The point is plain. Mercy often arrives through other people, and asking for help is part of loving someone well. The strongest thing you can do for them is to make sure you don't collapse. You were never meant to do it on willpower alone.
BY THE TIME YOU FINISH LISTENING, YOU'LL DISCOVER:
- Why caring for someone you love brings a grief that often goes unnamed
- What two real caregivers learned about why the role can't be sustained alone
- What Lamentations 3:22-23 promises the caregiver, and one step toward the support you need
You can love someone with everything you have and still need help to keep going. His mercy is new every morning, and it's enough for today.
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Wanda Medina's husband, Hector, had spent 20
Bart Leger:years as an FBI agent, which is not the kind of career a person
Bart Leger:gets into without a certain steadiness of character. He was
Bart Leger:sweet and thoughtful, and she had known that about him for
Bart Leger:years before the diagnosis. Then the early onset Alzheimer's came
Bart Leger:when he was 56 and the man she had built her with started
Bart Leger:changing in ways she hadn't prepared herself for. He began
Bart Leger:losing his temper with her and the kids. He isolated himself in
Bart Leger:the bedroom. The patience and thoughtfulness she had relied on
Bart Leger:for years began to disappear, replaced by something she didn't
Bart Leger:recognize and didn't know how to respond to. She became depressed
Bart Leger:and couldn't focus at work. Things she had always enjoyed
Bart Leger:stopped meaning anything. She described herself as feeling
Bart Leger:lost and lonely. A man named Tom Manik, who cared for his wife,
Bart Leger:Roe, through Parkinson's disease for years until her death in
Bart Leger:2021, put the experience into one sentence: "As the losses
Bart Leger:kept adding up, I felt less and less like her husband and more
Bart Leger:like her caregiver." But first,
Bart Leger:welcome to Daily Devotions for Busy Lives, I'm Bart Lege. If
Bart Leger:you're caring for a parent or loved one who's slipping away
Bart Leger:from you, this episode's for you. Caring for an aging parent or
Bart Leger:another loved one might be the most disorienting role you ever
Bart Leger:take on. that the person who used to take care of you now
Bart Leger:needs you to take care of them. Switch doesn't always happen
Bart Leger:very cleanly, or all of a sudden. There are the appointments and
Bart Leger:the worry that never quite shuts off, and there's something most
Bart Leger:people don't name as grief, even though that's what it is. You're
Bart Leger:losing them slowly in pieces while you're still trying to
Bart Leger:honor them. You grieve someone who's still right in front of
Bart Leger:you, and the world hasn't a category for that. The drain
Bart Leger:rarely comes from one dramatic crisis. It builds on sameness,
Bart Leger:the same tasks today and tomorrow with no finish line in
Bart Leger:view. You can love someone with your whole heart and still feel
Bart Leger:yourself running on empty. This is where lamentation meets us,
Bart Leger:and the timing of it matters. Jeremiah wrote these words while
Bart Leger:he watched everything he loved fall apart, And right in the
Bart Leger:middle of the wreckage he says this: "The faithful love of the
Bart Leger:Lord never ends, His mercies never cease, great is His
Bart Leger:faithfulness, His mercies begin afresh each morning." That's
Lamentations 3 00:02:35
22-23. I want you to catch the timing in that.
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"His mercies begin afresh each morning, just enough for the day
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in front of you, and then more when tomorrow comes." God
Lamentations 3 00:02:50
designed it to arrive that way, one day's worth at a time. So
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for the caregiver who's running on empty, here's the promise to
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hold on to: "The strength you need is for today, tomorrow's
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strength will be there tomorrow." 2. Then mercy often
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comes with skin on it.
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friend who stays with your loved one so you can sleep, or the
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support group of people caring for someone, too.
Lamentations 3 00:03:17
"Here's the permission you might need: asking for help is one of
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the most loving things you can do. Because the person you're
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caring for needs you to last, they need you for the long haul,
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and you're allowed to need support." God built us to be
Lamentations 3 00:03:32
held up by each other. And then, Dina finally got help through
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medication and therapy. And one of the things her therapist
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helped her see was that she had been grieving for years without
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knowing it, and without even understanding it had a name. Tom
Lamentations 3 00:03:48
Mannick joined a Parkinson's support group through the
Lamentations 3 00:03:51
Northwestern Memorial Hospital in Chicago, a group of
Lamentations 3 00:03:54
caregivers in similar situations who texted and called each other
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regularly. He said that connection helped him feel less
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alone. Even after Roe died, he stayed in touch with those
Lamentations 3 00:04:07
people every week. Both of them found the same thing. The role
Lamentations 3 00:04:10
of caregiver was not one they could sustain alone, and nobody
Lamentations 3 00:04:15
had told him that at the beginning. Lamentations 3: 22-23
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promises mercy, that begins fresh every morning, and that
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promises for the caregiver also. God sees what you go through,
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and he meets you with what you need to keep going one day at a
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time. Sometimes, that's community. Sometimes it's the
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person who finally names what you've been feeling all along.
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Here's today's challenge. If you're caring for someone, name
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one piece of support you've been doing without and reach for it
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this week. Maybe it's one phone call to a sibling to split a
Lamentations 3 00:04:50
duty. Maybe it's finding a caregiver support group in your
Lamentations 3 00:04:53
area or online. You don't have to do the whole thing by
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yourself, and you were never meant to. Father, you see the
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ones worn down by caring for someone they love. You know the
Lamentations 3 00:05:04
tasks that repeat with no end in sight, and the grief that
Lamentations 3 00:05:08
doesn't necessarily have a name. Thank you that your mercy is new
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every morning. Enough for today. Send the help we're too tired or
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too proud to ask for, and hold us up when our strength runs out.
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In Jesus' name, amen. If you need prayer today, I'd love to
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hear from you. You can leave me a voicemail at
Lamentations 3 00:05:28
dailydevotionsforbusylives.com/voicemail . I listen to every single one,
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and it would be an honor to bring your name before the Lord.
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Thanks for joining me on Daily Devotions for Busy Lives.
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Remember, you don't have to find strength for the whole long road
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tonight. His mercy is new every morning, and it's enough for
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today. Come back next time for more encouragement to help you
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live grounded in God's truth. Until then, God bless, and have
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a great day. Thank you.
