How to Talk to Your Adult Kids About Faith
When your adult child no longer shares your faith, how you talk about it becomes one of the most delicate parts of the relationship. This episode looks at how to keep that conversation alive without lectures or guilt, and why relationship matters more than winning an argument.
Navigating conversations when adult children no longer share your faith requires delicacy. Discover how to keep communication open, avoid guilt and lectures, and build trust. Learn why relationship matters more than winning an argument when talking to adult children about faith.
Key Takeaways
- When adult children leave the faith, the most damaging parental reaction is pulling back, making love feel conditional.
- 1 Peter 3:15 teaches that faith conversations start when children are genuinely curious and ask, not when they are pressured.
- Create a safe space for dialogue by listening without interruption and resisting the urge to correct their doubts immediately.
- Your primary role as a parent is to maintain a warm, open relationship, trusting God to do the work of changing hearts.
- Focus on building trust through unconditional love and consistent presence, rather than trying to win arguments about faith.
Navigating Faith Conversations with Adult Children
It’s a painful reality for many Christian parents: their adult children no longer share their faith. When this happens, conversations about spirituality can feel like walking a tightrope. How do you maintain open communication without resorting to lectures or guilt? This episode explores the delicate art of talking to adult children about faith, emphasizing that the relationship itself is far more important than winning an argument.
Many parents find themselves in difficult situations. Some feel compelled to turn every interaction into a sermon, pushing their children further away. Others go to the opposite extreme, making faith an off-limits topic for years, which can lead to a feeling of inauthenticity. Both approaches miss the mark. The most damaging response, often felt as the most natural reaction, is to pull back and let love feel conditional. This can inadvertently give a skeptical child another reason to distance themselves.
The Example of Q.O. Hellett
Q.O. Hellett and his wife experienced this ache firsthand. After more than 30 years as Christians and raising their sons in the faith, both adult sons eventually walked away. What Q.O. emphasizes is that they intentionally maintained their relationships with both sons. This didn't happen by accident. They stayed present, kept the door open, and entrusted what they couldn't control to God.
1 Peter 3:15: The Foundation for Dialogue
The path forward is illuminated by 1 Peter 3:15, which advises believers to “always be ready to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have.” The crucial word here is “asks.” Genuine curiosity, not pressure, initiates these conversations. Your adult children won't ask about your hope because you cornered them during a holiday dinner; they ask because they’ve observed your life over time and something about it has sparked their curiosity.
Creating a Safe Space for Faith Discussions
The core principle of talking to adult children about faith effectively is becoming a parent with whom your child feels safe to ask questions, without bracing for a lecture. This often starts at the dinner table with intentional listening. When your son or daughter shares their reasons for questioning or leaving their faith, resist the immediate urge to correct them. Instead, ask genuine questions and truly listen. People rarely reconsider their beliefs when they feel like a project; they are more likely to do so when they feel loved and unhurried.
Consider the parable of the prodigal son. The father didn’t lecture his returning son; he ran to him, signifying that the door had remained open and love had been a constant presence. Your role as a parent is to keep the “porch light on” and the relationship warm. Changing a heart is ultimately God's work. Your responsibility is to maintain a loving connection so that if and when God draws your child back, the path leads directly through you.
Dr. Bart Leger, host of Daily Devotions for Busy Lives, shares that while his own children have remained in the faith, he has counseled many parents who have navigated this challenging road. His encouragement is that you cannot argue anyone back to faith. Your task is to keep the door open, stay close, and trust God to do the work only He can accomplish.
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Frequently Asked Questions
How can I talk to my adult children about faith if they no longer believe?
Focus on maintaining a warm, open relationship and create a safe space for them to ask questions without fear of lectures or judgment.
What is the most damaging thing parents do when a child leaves the faith?
The most damaging response is pulling back from the relationship, which can make love feel conditional and push the child further away.
How does 1 Peter 3:15 guide conversations about faith with adult children?
It highlights that these conversations happen when your child is ready to 'ask' out of curiosity, not when you pressure them.
How can I make myself approachable for faith-related questions from my adult children?
Be a good listener, show unconditional love, and resist the urge to correct them immediately when they express doubts.
Bart Leger:
Q. O. Hellett and his wife had been Christians for
Bart Leger:
more than 30 when they sat down and admitted that neither of
Bart Leger:
their adult sons was following Christ. They had done the things
Bart Leger:
you're supposed to do. They weren't halfway in—bedtime
Bart Leger:
prayers, family Bible reading, church every Sunday—in a
Bart Leger:
marriage that tried to model what faith looked like in
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practice. They came to faith as adults themselves, so they knew
Bart Leger:
what it cost and what it meant, and they wanted to give their
Bart Leger:
boys something worth having. And then, somewhere along the way,
Bart Leger:
both sons walked away. Q. O. writes about the experience in a
Bart Leger:
way that most parents in his situation don't. He names the
Bart Leger:
things they did wrong and the things they did right, and he
Bart Leger:
holds both of them without despair. What he keeps coming
Bart Leger:
back to at the end of a piece he wrote about parenting errors is
Bart Leger:
this. They still have a relationship with both sons. And
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that didn't happen by accident. They stayed in the relationship.
Bart Leger:
They kept the door open and trusted God with what they
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couldn't control. He anchors himself in one 2 Timothy 2: 13:
Bart Leger:
"If we are faithless, He remains faithful, for He cannot deny
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Himself." We'll come back to what that means for you. But
Bart Leger:
first, welcome to Daily Devotions for Busy Lives. I'm
Bart Leger:
Bart LeJay. . . If you've got a grown child who walked away from
Bart Leger:
the faith or who hasn't trusted Christ yet, I'm glad you're here
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today.
Bart Leger:
Let Let me be straight with you about where I stand. Our kids
Bart Leger:
came to Christ young and never walked away, so I haven't known
Bart Leger:
this particular grief as a father, and I won't pretend I
Bart Leger:
have. I've counseled a lot of parents who do know it, parents
Bart Leger:
who did everything right, and still watched a son or daughter
Bart Leger:
leave the faith when they left home, or just simply never chose
Bart Leger:
to trust Christ as their Savior. And I've seen what it does to
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those parents. It's one of the deepest aches I know of in a
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parent's heart, and they often keep it to themselves. Sure,
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they must have done something wrong. If that's you, you know
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how delicate the talking gets. Press the issue, and you push
Bart Leger:
them away. Say nothing, and you feel like you're pretending the
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most important thing in your life doesn't matter. As humans,
Bart Leger:
we tend to go to extremes. So a lot of parents fall into one of
Bart Leger:
two ditches. Every visit becomes a sermon, or the subject goes
Bart Leger:
off limits for years. Let me tell you, there's a better road,
Bart Leger:
and it starts where most of us skip ahead with listening before
Bart Leger:
we argue. The apostle Peter gives us a clue about how this
Bart Leger:
and the key is one word most people skip right over. Listen
Bart Leger:
to 1 Peter 3: 15. Instead, you must worship Christ as the Lord
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of your life. And if someone asks about your hope as a
Bart Leger:
believer, always be ready to explain it. And there's the word,
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"asks." Peter pictures the conversation starting with their
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question. You're told to be ready to explain your hope when
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someone asks about it. And you can't force a question like that.
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Nobody asks about your hope because you cornered them at
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Thanksgiving. They ask because they've watched your life unfold
Bart Leger:
over time, and something about it has piqued their curiosity.
Bart Leger:
So the real work is making yourself safe to talk to – the
Bart Leger:
kind of parent they could bring a question to someday bracing
Bart Leger:
for a sermon. Here's what that looks like at the dinner table.
Bart Leger:
Mostly it looks like listening. When your son tells you why he
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stopped believing, the urge is to correct him before he
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finishes a sentence. Resist it. Ask a question. And mean it. And
Bart Leger:
get ready to listen. People rarely reconsider anything while
Bart Leger:
they're feeling like a project. They reconsider when they feel
Bart Leger:
loved and unhurried. And here's the freeing part. Changing a
Bart Leger:
heart is God's work. And he's awfully good at it. Your job is
Bart Leger:
to stay close enough that when he starts drawing them, the path
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home runs through a relationship that's still there. It's still
Bart Leger:
warm. You keep the porch light on. And you let God do the work
Bart Leger:
of bringing them up the driveway. Huo says the single most
Bart Leger:
damaging thing he sees Christian parents do when their adult
children:
leave the faith or choose not to trust Christ. the
children:
thing that feels most natural. They pull back. The relationship
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becomes conditional. skeptical gets one more. The father, in
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the prodigal son story, didn't lecture his son on the way out
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or send him articles. He watched the road ahead and he waited.
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And when he saw his son coming from a long way off, he ran to
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him. 1 Peter 3: 15 tells us to be ready to explain our hope
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when someone asks. The word that matters is asks. You can't make
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someone ask. You can make it safe for them to ask someday.
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And you stay in their relationship. You live your
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faith, where they can see it and you keep the door open. Here's
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the thing I know. God is pursuing your adult child right
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now. The question is whether they'll be able to find their
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way back to you when he gets them. Here's today's challenge.
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The next time you're with your adult child, try this: ask them
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a question about their life and listen to the whole answer
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without steering it toward faith. No agenda. No segue. Just love
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them and pay attention. That's how trust gets built. The kind
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that makes a future question possible. Father, you know the
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parents listening who pray for a son or daughter who walked away
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from the faith or who've never trusted in you. Thank you that
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you are pursuing their children, even now, with a love that
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started long before they were born. Help these parents keep
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the door open and their relationship warm and free from
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the guilt that says it's all on their shoulders.
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This podcast runs on the generosity of listeners just
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like you. If Daily Devotions for Busy Lives has encouraged you,
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would you consider supporting it with a one-time gift or becoming
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a monthly supporter? Every contribution helps keep these
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devotions coming every week. You can give at
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DailyDevotionsForBusyLives.com/support . Thank you so much. And thanks
children:
for joining me on Daily Devotions for Busy Lives.
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Remember, no one gets argued back to faith. You keep the door
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open and stay close. And you trust God to do what only He can
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do. Come back next time for more encouragement to help you live
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grounded in God's truth. Until then, God bless and have a great
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day.
