Looking for a Spouse? Your Checklist Could Be the Problem

Irene knew exactly what she wanted in a husband.

A Christian, yes, but not just any Christian. She used the phrase "pastor-level." Someone who attended church faithfully and served in ministry. She'd thought it through carefully. The standard made sense to her.

What she didn't know was that the man she'd eventually marry had already decided, back in high school, that she was the person he wanted to spend his life with. He'd been her best friend. He'd courted her twice. She'd turned him down both times, and they'd lost touch.

When Mike reappeared years later, Irene hesitated. He was a newer believer. He hadn't logged the years in church that she had. He wasn't serving visibly in ministry the way she was. By her checklist, he didn't qualify.

She almost missed him entirely.

When a Standard Becomes a Filter

If you're actively looking for a spouse, you've probably built a list. Maybe it's written down. Maybe it's just in your head. Either way, it's there, and it's doing work every time you meet someone new.

There's nothing wrong with that. Knowing what matters to you in a spouse, particularly in terms of faith, is wise. Proverbs 4:23 tells us to guard our hearts carefully, and that applies to who we let close to it.

But there's a difference between a standard and a checklist, and that difference matters more than most people realize.

A standard asks whether this person loves God and is growing. A checklist asks whether this person meets the specific criteria you've decided qualify as loving God and growing. A standard leaves room for God to work. A checklist puts you in charge of the evaluation.

When you're actively meeting people, that checklist is running in the background of every conversation and every introduction from a well-meaning friend. And if you're not careful, it filters out people God may have put in front of you.

That's what happened to Irene.

The Pride She Hadn't Seen

What struck Irene, looking back, was that the checklist had a pride problem she hadn't recognized at the time.

She saw herself as more spiritually stable than Mike because she'd been a Christian longer and served more visibly. She was comparing her tenure to his and finding him lacking. But faith isn't measured in years of attendance or positions held in ministry. It's measured by whether a person is genuinely seeking Jesus.

God led her to Ephesians 4:2, which calls believers to be completely humble and gentle, bearing with one another in love. The passage convicted her because she recognized how prideful her criteria had become. She couldn't honestly say Mike wasn't stable in his faith just because he hadn't been at it as long as she had.

What she saw when she looked more carefully was a man who embodied the qualities of 1 Corinthians 13, patient, kind, and forgiving. She saw it in how he treated her and how he was becoming part of the church community. He was intentionally trying to live that love out, and she'd almost dismissed him because he didn't match the picture she'd built.

What God Was Looking For

God didn't change Irene's standard. He clarified it.

He made it clear to her that she should look for a man who shared her faith and who feared and revered God in his daily life. That was the real standard. Everything she'd layered on top of it, the tenure, the visibility, the "pastor-level" qualifier, was her own addition.

Mike met the real standard. He just didn't meet the additions.

If you're out there looking, that distinction is worth paying attention to. Some of what's on your list is probably worth holding onto. Some of it may be your own preferences dressed up as requirements. And the longer the list, the harder it is to tell the two apart.

What Your Checklist Might Be Costing You

I've learned something about rigid checklists: they don't just filter out the wrong people. It can filter out the right ones.

Irene's checklist almost cost her Mike. He was the man God had for her, and she nearly walked away from him because he didn't fit a picture she'd drawn up years earlier based on what she thought spiritual maturity was supposed to look like.

She married Mike at 39. A year later, they had a daughter. Looking back, she wrote that she'd gone in focused on finding the right person. She came out knowing God. And when the right person showed up, he almost didn't make it past the list she'd built.

If you're actively looking and consistently coming up empty, the problem may not be the people you're meeting. It may be the filter you're running them through.

Bring the List to God

The next time you sit down to pray about this, bring the list with you. Hold it open in front of God and ask Him to show you what's essential and what you've added on your own.

He may confirm every item on it. Or He may want to remove something that's been doing the deciding for you and open your eyes to someone you've already met.

Irene almost missed the man God had for her because she was measuring him against a picture she'd built instead of asking God what He saw. You don't have to make the same mistake.

You can listen to Episode 218 of Daily Devotions for Busy Lives for a deeper look at what it means to trust God's timing in the search for a spouse, including what Psalm 84:11 promises to those who are looking. You can find it at https://www.dailydevotionsforbusylives.com/218.

-- Bart

This post supports Episode 218 of Daily Devotions for Busy Lives. Irene's full story can be read at https://ymi.today/2023/03/where-god-was-when-i-married-late/