What to Do When Your Child Is Struggling and You Can't Reach Them

Mary DeMuth has written more than 50 books on

faith and family, and when her three adult children walked away

from the faith she had raised them in, she did what she had

been writing about for years. She tried to fix it. She

lectured them, and she reasoned with them. She circled back to

conversations she'd already had, and with every attempt, she

could feel the relationship getting a little more strained.

She describes this period in interviews and in her 2022 book,

Love, Pray, Listen. She had all the right theology, and none of

the detachment she needed to use it well. The instinct to reach

her children was strong, but the way she was trying to reach them

was pushing them Then, she was at a women's conference, and

someone looked at her and said something she hadn't been

prepared to hear. Your children know that you love them. She

burst into tears. We'll come back to what shifted for her

after that moment, but

first, welcome to Daily Devotions for Busy Lives. I'm

Bart Lege. If you've got a child who's been struggling, and you

can't seem to reach them, I know this is tender ground, and I'm

glad you're here. I've talked with a lot of families walking

through this, parents whose child is in trouble, or just

unreachable in a way they never used to be. I'll be straight

with you. My own kids came to Faith Young and stayed close, so

I haven't known this kind of grief as a father. But I've

watched it up close again and again, and a couple of things

have held true just about every time. It never gets easier on

the parent, and harping at a child almost always drives them

further away, however right you are. In the end, the only thing

strong enough to hold is trusting God with a child you

can't control. You feel so helpless watching your own child

struggle. You can see they're in pain or drifting somewhere you'd

rather they not go, and the access you used to have is gone.

The conversations you once had don't happen anymore, and the

kid you knew inside out feels like a stranger some days. You

lie awake nights replaying everything, wondering what you

could have done differently. And the worst part is the

powerlessness. You'd trade places with them in a heartbeat,

and you can't. There's nothing to fix from where you're

standing. If you think the Bible doesn't know this kind of grief,

look at one of the greatest kings. David's son Absalom

betrayed him and tried to seize the throne, and he died in the

fighting. When the news reached David, this is how he reacted.

Listen to 2 Samuel 18, 33. The king was overcome with emotion.

He went up to the room over the gateway and burst into tears.

And as he went, he cried, Oh, my son, Absalom, my son, my son,

Absalom. If only I had died instead of you. Oh, Absalom, my

son, my son. This is a father whose son had betrayed him and

tried to destroy him. And what pours out of David is pure grief.

My son, my son. He would have died in Absalom's place if he

could have. A parent's love doesn't switch off when a child

goes wrong. It can't. And God built it that way. So hear this.

God never asks you to stop loving a child who's far from

where you wish they were. He doesn't grade your love by their

behavior. Your love that keeps aching for them is holy. And

it's a faint echo of how he loves them and you. But loving a

child and controlling or changing them are two different

things. You can love them with everything in you and still have

no power to fix what they're walking through. And that's

where prayer stops being a last resort and becomes the main

thing you can do. When you can't reach your child, you can reach

the God who can. You can hand him the one you can't hold. And

that's how you put them in stronger hands than your own.

Mary describes the conference as the moment she stopped trying to

be the one who fixed it and started being the mother who

stayed in the relationship and prayed. She stopped leading

conversations with what she thought they needed to hear and

started asking questions about where her children were. She

stopped every attempt to steer and started paying attention.

She describes that as one of the most difficult things she had

done as a parent and also one of the most freeing. Releasing her

children to the God who loved them before she did. David wept

over Absalom after Absalom had betrayed him, attempted to take

his throne, and died in battle. He cried anyway. God doesn't ask

a parent to stop loving a child who's far from where you wish

they were. He asks you to love them and trust what you can't

control to him. Mary's children knew she loves them. was where

God told her to start. Here's today's challenge. Think of the

child who's been on your heart, the one you can't reach right

now. Rather than rehearsing what you want to say to them, pray

for them by name, out loud, and tell God you're handing them

over to him because you can't hold this alone and we're never

meant to. You probably don't need to do this, but if it helps,

write their name on a card and keep it where you pray. Let it

be a daily reminder to release them again and again.

Father, you know every parent listening who's aching over a

child they can't reach. You see the worry that wakes them at

three in the morning and the love that won't quit no matter

what. Thank you that you love their children even more than

they do and that you're pursuing them in ways no parent ever

could. Help these parents keep loving without harping and give

them the strength to release what they can't control into

your hands. Hold the children who are far off and bring them

home in your name. In Jesus' name, amen. If this episode

encouraged you today, would you share it with someone who might

need to hear it? Just go to dailydevotionsforbusylives.com

slash 263 and copy the link. It only takes a second and it might

make a real difference in someone's day. Thanks for

joining me on Daily Devotions for Busy Lives. Remember, where

your child goes isn't yours to control. What's yours is to keep

loving them and to keep trusting them to the God who loves them

even more than you do. Come back next time for more encouragement

to help you live grounded in God's truth. Until then, God

bless and have a great day.